Don’t mess with The Camel or he’ll spit at you in a track. Jay-Z released a new song called “Open Letter” where he tries to drag his haters for bitching about his trip to Cuba and bitching about him selling his one-fifteenth of 1% share of the Nets. Jay-Z also calls himself the “Bob Dylan of rap” and raps about how Obama told him to chill. If the planet is feeling a little extra suffocating today, it’s because Jay-Z’s ego just got 500 tons bigger.
Miss Info says that Jay-Z thought it was gross that CNN was spending more time covering his trip to Cuba than North Korea attacking our asses (uh huh, you know he massaged his balls while watching all that coverage of his trip) so he recorded a response song late last night. In “Open Letter,” Jay-Z whine raps about how a couple of politicians want to punish him and Beyonce for going to Cuba.
I done turned Havana to Atlanta
Boy from the hood but got White House clearance
Sorry y’all, I don’t agree with y’all appearance
Politicians never did shit for me
Except lie to me, distort history
Wanna give me jail time and a fine
Fine, let me commit a real crime
I’m in Cuba, I love Cubans
This communist talk is so confusing
When it’s from China, the very mic that I’m using
Idiot wind, the Bob Dylan of rap music
You’re an idiot baby, you should become a student
Oh, you gonna learn today
Since Jay-Z had the mic in front of him, he kept going and continued to stroke his own dick when rapping about selling his share in the Nets.
Hear the freedom in my speech
Got an onion from Universal, read it and weep
Would’ve brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free
Except I made millions off it, you fuckin’ dweeb
I still own the building, I’m still keeping my seat
Y’all buy that bullshit, you’d better keep your receipt
And finally, Jay-Z rapped about Obama’s response to the Cuba shit:
Obama said chill, you gonna get me impeached
But you don’t need this shit anyway
Chill with me on the beach
So there you go. Jay-Z is the king of the world, Obama made him a friendship bracelet, nobody can touch him and blah blah queef blah blah… We know, we know. While all of us roll our eyes to the right and to the left, Jay-Z’s other best friend forever Goopy Paltrow is probably silently weeping into the morning cup of decaffeinated air she drinks every day, because not one of those lyrics is about her. What about Goop?!