Barron Trump Shows The Paltrows How It’s Really, Really Done

Moses and Apple Martin can say “I HATE YOU, GOOP!” in ten different languages and they can make a California Roll from scratch using the avocados in the garden of their Brentwood estate, but they still have nothing on Barron Trump. There’s an actual human being on Earth who can get his man servant to hold him high above so he can look down at Goopy Paltrow for being a poor peasant compared to him.

The most gorgeous Trump of all the Trumps, Melania Trump, told ABC News that her 7-year-old son loves wearing suits and he moisturizes with her caviar cream every single night. Barron Trump is just TOO fancy for us.

“He’s not a sweatpants child,” says Trump, 42, of her only child with her husband of eight years, Donald Trump, 66. “He doesn’t mind putting on [a suit]—but not every day— and he likes to dress up in a tie sometimes like Daddy.”

Trump tells ABC News that in addition to dressing her son nicely, she makes sure that he takes care of his skin, slathering him in her eponymous Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer after his nightly bath.

“It smells very, very fresh,” says the businesswoman, who launched the skincare line this week at Lord & Taylor. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”

So while Goopy and her kids are using caviar to make sushi, Barron Trump is smearing caviar all over her face like a true one percenter. Richie Rich, who?

And I’m just going to choose to believe that Donald Trump isn’t the father and Melania had a bareback love affair with her chef, because I refuse to believe that a piece of trash with a face like a pinched anus made Barron Trump.