OctoMom As Angelina Jolie

April 10, 2013 / Posted by:

OctoMom’s local marijuana dispensary must’ve raised their prices, because bitch is hustling hard (not really) for another quick check and her hustle game led her to posing as Oscar Angie and Tomb Raider Angie for InTouch Weekly. InTouch would’ve totally nailed this Octo as Angie photo shoot (not really, the sequel) if they Photoshopped Angie’s bulging vein of doom onto Octo’s endless forehead and replaced the deadness in Octo’s eyes with a twinkle that says, “Bring me your ripest virgin.

Because you care, InTouch asked Octo what she does on a daily basis and she lied and said “a lot!” instead of saying “drink myself into a coma in the utility closet.”

“I do a lot! I’m a cook, a chauffeur and a nanny! [I spend] a couple hundred dollars a week on groceries. I do several loads [of laundry] every day — there’s always clothes in my washer.”

Your mind is throbbing from how fascinating this is, I know. And what does Octo think about Angie?

“I admire her. She saves children’s lives. I get that we both have a lot of kids, but I don’t think I look anything like her.”

Octo isn’t giving herself enough credit. If you took Angie and filled her with helium, more craziness and desperation, she’d look just like Octo. And yes, Angie saves children’s lives, I guess, but when is she going to save the lives of the OctoKids? Because I’m sure that while Octo was talking to InTouch, a few of the OctoKids were hitchhiking back home after she accidentally left them in the grocery store parking lot.

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