Goopy Paltrow Is Not Starving Her Kids

Goopy Paltrow is obsessed with caca and Dr. Oz is obsessed with caca, so I don’t even want to know what’s in that martini glass….

Goopy Paltrow is still peddling her newest cookbook full of ingredients that you’ll have to sell your internal organs to buy (Goop tip of the day: If you want to instantly lose 40 pounds, sell all your internal organs to buy all these fancy ingredients) and tomorrow she’ll be on Dr. Oz. Since my mother is obsessed with Dr. Oz and thinks he’s the greatest thing since apple cider vinegar (why are moms so into apple cider vinegar?), I’m sure she’ll give me a play-by-play of this episode after she watches it tomorrow, but in the meantime E! has a preview.

Dr. Oz asked Goopy Paltrow what she thinks about hos calling her a “bad mom,” because she puts her kids on an elimination diet and it leaves Moses starving like the original Moses after fasting for 40 days. But Goopy tells Dr. Oz that she doesn’t put her kids on an elimination diet. Moses is allergic to gluten, so she doesn’t give him that or anything that comes out of a cow’s nipple.

“Well, it’s actually not true. They’re not on an elimination diet at all. What it is, is that my son has very bad eczema and he’s allergic to gluten and he’s allergic to cow dairy. I try at home to make everything gluten-free for him because the difference in his comfort is unbelievable when he’s sticking to what he’s meant to be eating. I don’t know where they get some of this stuff! They say I don’t give my kids carbs, and I’m feeding them seaweed…I have no idea. But they eat Oreos, too, and they’re normal kids.”

“I don’t where they get some of this stuff!” Didn’t “this stuff” come out of her talk hole?! Oh, Goopy, you probably remember the name of the weekend fromager at the invitation only cheese shop hidden in the basement of the Eiffel Tower, but you don’t remember what you said about your own kids?

Nobody really thinks Goop is a bad mom. I mean, sure the last time she saw Moses bite on a Klondike, she made him spit it on the ground before she rinsed his mouth out with distilled kumquat water. But the last time Mama June saw Honey Boo Boo bite on a vegetable, she made her spit it on the ground before she rinsed her mouth out with melted butter. What I’m really saying is that Mama June and Goopy should go on Wife Swap. It’s the reason television was invented.

Here’s Goopy signing copies of her book at Williams-Sonoma (or as she calls it, “that place the bougies shop at“) in NYC yesterday.