Tom Cruise Was Surprised When His Contract With Katie Holmes Expired

April 9, 2013 / Posted by:

Getting divorce papers from Katie Holmes nearly knocked the dick out of Tommy Girl’s mouth and he said that he didn’t see it coming. (The divorce papers, not the dick. He ALWAYS sees the dick coming.) During an interview with the German TV network ProSieben (via People), Tommy says that even though he’s a highly-trained Scientology bridge queen with telepathic powers like no other, he had no idea that Katie Holmes was going to file papers to officially quit his crazy ass.

“I did not expect that. [I’ve had] an incredible amount of time to reflect. Life is a challenge. To be 50 and have experiences and think you have everything under control, and then it hits you — that’s what life is … Life is tragicomic. You need a certain sense of humor.”

What sense of humor? I thought bitch’s Thetans ate his sense of humor a long time ago. Tommy could be telling the truth, though. When Tommy’s head isn’t up his own ass, it’s up Xenu’s ass, so it was hard for him to see Katie dry heaving every time she looked at him and repeatedly pointing at the expiration date on their contract every time he looked at her. Tommy is just following one of Scientology’s mottos, “When all else fails, be really fucking oblivious!”

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