Jessica and Asshole Simpson’s mother Tina Simpson wasn’t exactly shitting out rays of happiness when she found out that every time her husband of 35 years Papa Joe said he was going to bible study to get on his knees and pray to the lord, he was actually going to some studio apartment in the valley to get on his knees and worship some twink dick. Right after Tina Simpson found out that Papa Joe’s tongue regularly frolicked on the hairless ass cheeks of 20-something blond boys, she almost jumped from the edge and wanted to take him with her. That’s what Radar says anyway.
Tina allegedly wrote a suicide note saying that she was so angry that she wanted to shoot Papa Joe before shooting herself. Tina left the note inside of her house in Encino, CA, Papa Joe found it and immediately gave it to his lawyers to use it against her in their divorce war. How nice of him! The source put it like this:
“Tina was so distraught when she found out about Joe’s secret gay affair, she immediately wrote a suicide note. It was fairly detailed and she said she wanted to shoot herself for what Joe had done to their 35-year marriage. Worse still, Tina wanted to shoot Joe as well. She was just so angry with him. But, instead of killing herself, Tina headed straight to a New York hotel to confront Joe about Bryce Chandler Hill. However, when Joe returned to the Encino home in Los Angeles they shared, he found the note, made a copy and gave it to his divorce lawyer as a bargaining tool for the settlement.
Tina eventually offered Joe half of the family fortune. An offer of a 50 percent split of everything under the Simpson name has been offered to Joe. That includes the coveted Jessica Simpson Collection, which Joe desperately wanted because that’s the real cash cow.”
Threatening to pull some murder/suicide shit is never a good idea, but if you found out that your husband was now dressing like the member of a failed 90s boy band that only played the county fair circuit (see: pictures from March below), you too might lose the sanest part of your mind. But Tina should really be relieved. Because she probably thought that Papa Joe was a creepy, sucio perv who wanted to motorboat his daughters, but it turns out he was just a cheating bastard who wants to motoroboat twink ass. Yeah, he lied to Tina Simpson all those years, but at least she knows he doesn’t want to do their daughters. There’s a bright side for everything!
And the lives of twink gold diggers and the makers of highlighting caps will be made if Papa Joe really does get half of the Simpson family fortune.