While wearing Demi Moore’s old crotch shrub on his face and neck, Shia LaBeouf went on The Late Show last night to promote some movie and he had to a few words to say about the douche fight with Alec Baldwin that got him fired from the Broadway play Orphans. During the first week of rehearsals, Shia rubbed Alec the wrong way and vice versa, and since nobody likes the smell of hemorrhoid friction, LaDouche was fired. Shia then released a bunch of emails between him, the director, the producer and the cast. David Letterman asked Shia about the feud last night and he kind of sort of explained it.
Letterman: So why did you get fired?
Shia: I think because me and Alec had tension as men, not as artists, but as men. That became a hard thing to deal with. When you’ve got tension as men, that’s tough till July. It’s cool for increments, but I think to do that for a long period of time would be tough.
Letterman: Had you known Alec before?
Shia: I met Alec briefly before we started.
Letterman: How would you describe your relationship with him now?
Shia: I hope it’s pretty good. He’s a great actor and I wish him the best of luck.
Letterman: Now can I suggest a couple scenarios? Alec went to the producers and said, ‘I can’t take it another day, fire him.’
Shia: I think that might’ve been what happened.
Letterman: Really? No, I just made that up.
Manly tension? What kind of prehistoric age shit? Shia makes it sound like he and Alec grunted at each other, bumped chests and then had a contest to see who could club and bring back the woman with the biggest child bearing hips. (Actually, that’s exactly what happened, I’m sure). But seriously, manly tension is the best kind of tension. Shia and Alec just didn’t know how to handle it. When you’ve got too much manly tension in the room, bring out the lube (or the jar of cooking grease from under your kitchen sink), clean out your asses and lay down the plastic tarp. Break that tension on each other’s butts. Tom Cruise knows what I’m talking about, because it’s how he handles all disputes with other men.