Heidi Klum Is A Regular David Hasselhoff

These pictures of Heidi Klum, her bodyguard/fuck piece Martin Kristen, her son and nannies were taken on March 27th, just a few days before the ocean in Hawaii tried to swallow most of them. Entertainment Tonight has the pictures of Heidi and Martin turning themselves into warriors of the ocean to pull her son Henry and his two nannies out of the ocean. Heidi tells ET that when a riptide tried to eat her son Henry, she ran into the ocean, punched the waves, kneed a shark, karate chopped a jellyfish and choked out Ursula the Sea Witch before saving everybody. And Heidi did it while her nipples were popping out (click here for the pics).

“We got pulled into the ocean by a big wave. Of course, as a mother, I was very scared for my child and everyone else in the water. Henry is a strong swimmer and was able to swim back to land. We were able to get everyone out safely.”

There’s a Seal joke somewhere in there…..

The real story here is that Heidi has TWO nannies for one kid. So two people get to go on an all expenses-paid luxury trip to Hawaii and all they have to do is splash around in the ocean with a kid while Heidi humps on her bodyguard boyfriend behind a tree. And if they’re getting pulled to their watery graves by a riptide, a paparazzo will take pictures so they have evidence when they need to sue Heidi’s ass for millions for endangering their lives on the job. Get all of us an application!