Goopy Lets Her Kids Have One Coke Per Week

Because Goopy Paltrow regularly serves her kids a delicious dinner of hallowed-out fennel seeds with a side of organic lettuce sweat, she says that Apple and Moses Martin sometimes get hunger pangs in their stomachs. (“Privileged kids of privileged asshole millionaires are just like us!” – the starving orphans of Ethiopia) But in this week’s edition of POOP, Goopy says that Apple and Moses don’t always eat a gluten-free, sugar-free, fun-free diet. They get one Coke per week and sometimes she lets Apple swallow down the top food group on the Spears family food guide pyramid: CHEETOS! Goop spat out this shit:

I tried to start them off with all of the right foods but as they got older, the lure of Oreos and cotton candy outweighed the lure of carrots with hummus. And that’s all a part of childhood and I love Oreos too, so I completely understand. I try to make sure that what is on their plate at home is nutritious and tasty and then I loosen way up on the reigns when we are out. They love a brown rice stir-fry but they also love their ‘Coke of the week’. My daughter gravitates toward fresh fruit and raw nuts but will inhale a bag of hot Cheetos at the airport. It’s all about balance.

Yeah, Goopy’s idea of Oreos are probably imported Belgian dark chocolate truffles filled with cream made from the milk of an Iberian Lynx and her idea of hot Cheetos are slivers of gold-flecked cheddar puffed up with distilled air, but at least the Goopy kids get to eat something other than grass tips every now and again. They’re still going to turn to a life of a crime in a few years and by that I mean they’re going to rob grocery stores for junk food. “Give me all the boxes of hot Cheetos you’ve got in the back or I’ll tie you down and make you read my mom’s newsletter out loud!”

And White Oprah probably saw the headline “Gwyneth Paltrow lets her kids have one Coke per week” and immediately called CPS. Giving your kid only one line of coke per week is child abuse.