Brangie Did Not Get Married

March 28, 2013 / Posted by:

Surprisingly enough, all the Supreme Court Justices didn’t stop the Prop 8 hearings yesterday to announce that after much consideration, they’ve decided to overturn Prop 8 and also make marriage legal for everyone everywhere, because when it came down to it they realized that they really, really just want to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married. But that didn’t happen, so Brad and St. Angie are still the opposite of married.

St. Angie graced the Congo with her holy presence a few days ago and when she got there, she wasn’t wearing the huge 5,000-carat diamond engagement ring that is so damn expensive she could probably buy the entire Congo with it. Instead, St. Angie wore a demure gold wedding band, which made some hos start screaming about how she must’ve gotten secret married to Brad Pitt. But no, she didn’t. St. Angie left her Fortress of Solitude-sized ring at home, because wearing a diamond ring that big in the Congo is wrong for many reasons and because wearing a wedding band will get her a tabloid cover or two.

While serving up some “2008 Michael Jackson meets business woman Morticia Addams” realness, Angie strolled through LAX yesterday and a mere mortal from TMZ dared asked the human halo of infinite light if she got married. She spat out a “no.” Then when he turned off the camera, she turned around, wrapped her zombie witch hands around his neck and swallowed his soul until all that was left of him was a pile of bone dust. That settles that!

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