Goopy Wants To Blow You

March 26, 2013 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow wants you to starve like her, wants you to dress like her, wants you to exercise like her and now she wants you to have stringy bleached-out skeleton hair…like her! Goopy, her hairstylist David Babaii and her bat-faced trainer Tracy Anderson got together and decided that what L.A. really needs right now is a blow dry bar. I said, blow DRY bar, Lindsay Lohan, so there’s no need to run over there with an application and audition tape in hand.

The David Babaii Blow Dry Bar will be inside of Tracy Anderson’s workout studio in Brentwood. All three of those brains think that putting a blow dry bar inside of a gym is a genius decision, because after sweating your internal organs out, what you really want is an overpriced blowout. David told People:

“It’s not just going to be a blowout bar. It’s going to be ‘Hey, why don’t we do this style with your new body? It’s more about your lifestyle. There’s no judgment.”

I don’t even know what that means. But the only reasonable and logical answer to the question “Hey, why don’t we do this style with your new body?” is “Hey, why don’t you bite me?” And if I went to the gym, the only blow I’d want is the kind you get after trolling the men’s locker room.

Rachel “Chupacabara” Zoe also has a blow dry bar in NYC and she charges $30 for a quickie, so I’m sure Goopy’s blow dry bar is going to outdo her ass by charging $300 and they’ll have to run a credit check beforehand, because they don’t want any asses of the poor in their dolphin leather chairs.

If you really want hair like Goopy, you’re not going to get it from a blowout. To get hair like Goopy’s, you have to only eat peony seeds for weeks and every night when your husband doesn’t come home, you have to moisturize your mop by crying into it right before you pass out on your swan feather-filled bed from starvation. That’s how you get Goop hair!

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