Eva Mendes did an interview with New York Magazine (via E!) to promote that movie she did with Ryan Gosling called Place Beyond the Pines and she didn’t really want to talk about anything. If I was interviewing Eva, I’d ask her to show me with her hands how big Ryan’s dick is and then I’d ask her if he giggles when she tickles his taint. You know, basic questions. But I’d be wasting my breath and mouth muscles, because she wouldn’t answer any of those question. New York Magazine asked her some simple shit and she put on an “OHMYGODIMSOPRIVATE!” act.
They asked her where she met Ryan Gosling and she said, “That’s where I start to shut down. Because it gets into personal territory that I don’t feel comfortable talking about. So sorry.”
They asked her about her role in the movie and she said, “I don’t want to disclose anything because I feel like there are no more surprises anymore, whether it’s in film, about the ending of a story, or what a character looks like—by the time we see the movie, we’ve seen paparazzi shots of the actor wearing the wig. Where’s the mystery? Where’d it go? I want it back.”
They asked her if she wants to make tiny Goslings with Ryan Gosling and she said, “I’m so out of here. You know the cartoon where the steam comes out and it says, ‘Boop-bee-boop. System down’?”
They finally asked her why is she wasting their fucking time when they could be at home fapping while eating Thin Mints instead of rolling their eyes every time she refused to answer their question. No, they didn’t ask that, but they should’ve.
But Eva did want to talk about her dog’s privacy. Eva wishes that tabloids and blogs would blur out her dog’s face the way British tabloids blur out the faces of children in paparazzi pictures. Eva said:
“I’ll go somewhere and they’ll be like, ‘Hey, Hugo!’ and I’m like, ‘How do you know Hugo’s name?’ That’s so creepy!”
Oh, please. She’s just mad, because they knew her dog’s name and didn’t know hers. Hugo is way more famous than she is (which is how it should be). Did Eva even ask Hugo what he wants? Maybe he’s a fame whore and loves the attention? Just look at that picture. She’s the one throwing her hands up all dramatic like she’s Norma Desmond and Hugo’s just chilling there. But you know, if we had to blur out the faces of canine creatures who lick their own butts, then that means we’d have to blur out the faces of every Kardashian. Maybe that crazy bitch Eva Mendes is on to something after all.