Does Lockdown Rehab Even Exist?

March 25, 2013 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan was so close to pulling her greatest con yet and TMZ and that spotlight-humping whore Dr. Drew had to ruin it all! The Santa Monica City Attorney agreed to let LiLo serve 90 days in a lockdown rehab facility in New York instead of going to jail. The judge signed off on it and LiLo’s itty bitty lawyer Mark Heller said that there was a lockdown rehab facility in NYC. Since Googling “Does lockdown rehab exist?” is hard, none of the prosecutors checked to see if the littlest lawyer was telling the truth. But TMZ checked and they found out that lockdown rehab is a fairytale place that only exists in the mind of Mark Heller. No such things exists.

They checked and couldn’t find one private rehab joint in the entire country that locks the doors and forces their patients to stay there. The only lockdown rehab facility in NY they did find is connected to a prison and you need a felony record to get. Surprisingly, LiLo doesn’t have a felony record. TMZ asked Dr. Drew about the myth that is lockdown rehab and he said, “There is no rehab that will hold you against your will, unless they feel the person is a suicide risk, and in that case they can hold the individual for 72 hours.”

So now the prosecutors are at their desks Googling “Does lockdown rehab exist?” Apparently, they’re trying to figure out what to do now that they’ve been duped and they might just throw her in jail.

Dammit all! LiLo was probably going to check into a spa resort that holds AA meetings/mocktail classes in their bar every other week (that practically counts as rehab) and then she was going to stuff her bed with pillows and strands of dried orange seaweed. Every time the prosecutors called to make sure she’s there, the maid would peek into her room, see the strands of dried orange seaweed on her bed, mistake it for her weave and tell them that she’s there and sleeping. Meanwhile, she’d be partying with her johns somewhere. And now TMZ has foiled her plan! Bitch will probably be sent to jail instead and she’ll sit in a cell for a total of 90 seconds before they release her due to overcrowding. Woe is her!

And I don’t know why the prosecutors believed Mark Heller in the first place. You should never trust a charbroiled troll with Henry Winkler hair. They’re the shiftiest.

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