You Too Can Look Like A Fresh Spring One Percenter For Just $458,000

March 22, 2013 / Posted by:

Goop’s Fashion Picks for Spring is so damn popular and she get so many requests for it that she has brought it back for a third year in a row. 99% of those emails are probably from people telling her to please bring it back up, because it makes them laugh so damn hard that they make a wet spot in their $2 cotton panties from KMart. If you’re Elin Nordegren, all you have to do is shake the change of your purse and you can buy everything on Goopy Paltrow’s fashion list for spring. If you’re everybody else, all you have to do is sell your house, sell your car, sell every drop of blood in your body, empty out your checking account, rob a bank and blow Charlie Sheen a few times, and you too can buy a bunch of designer clothes you can’t wear anywhere without looking a fool.

In this week’s edition of Goop, Goopy showed her readers how they can update their spring wardrobe using stuff they can buy from Net-A-Porter. E! totaled everything up on her list and it came to only $458,003! On the list is a $5,495 Valentino bag, $850 Alexander Wang leather shorts (which will make you look like you have a wang) and an $895 Victoria Beckham dress. The $475 fancy shorts in the picture above are perfect to wear during a lunch date with your husband. When he doesn’t show up, the shininess of the shorts will make you forget that your husband hates you, because you’re ridiculous and is probably in a cheap motel room shoving his face in a pile of Twinkies just to spite you.

My favorite thing on the list is a $1,615 skirt, which Goopy says is a wonderful thing to wear during a night in with your friends. Yes, a $1,600 ball gown skirt is the perfect thing to wear while hanging out with your friends at home. Oh, you’ll feel so comfortable wearing a $1,600 skirt while lounging on your red panda leather sofa. When your friend Bunny accidentally spills a glass of vintage Krug (it’s a casual night-in, you save the good stuff for formal events) on your $1,600 skirt after you tell a joke about how you saw Muffy carrying a COACH purse into the tennis club, you don’t have to freak out. It’s just a casual $1,600 skirt. You’ll just tell your maid to cut it into squares to use as wee wee pads for the Burmese ponies you bought for little Pomegranate and Jeduthun.

I really hope Goop stays so unaware and never pulls her head out of her ass, because all of this is gold. Oh wait, I don’t mean gold. Gold is for the poors!

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