You Too Can Look Like A Fresh Spring One Percenter For Just $458,000
Goop's Fashion Picks for Spring is so damn popular and she get so many requests for it that she has brought it back for a third year in a row. 99% of those emails are probably from people telling her to please bring it back up, because it makes them laugh so damn hard that they make a wet spot in their $2 cotton panties from KMart. If you're Elin Nordegren, all you have to do is shake the change of your purse and you can buy everything on Goopy Paltrow's fashion list for spring. If you're everybody else, all you have to do is sell your house, sell your car, sell every drop of blood in your body, empty out your checking account, rob a bank and blow Charlie Sheen a few times, and you too can buy a bunch of designer clothes you can't wear anywhere without looking a fool.
In this week's edition of Goop, Goopy showed her readers how they can update their spring wardrobe using stuff they can buy from Net-A-Porter. E! totaled everything up on her list and it came to only $458,003! On the list is a $5,495 Valentino bag, $850 Alexander Wang leather shorts (which will make you look like you have a wang) and an $895 Victoria Beckham dress. The $475 fancy shorts in the picture above are perfect to wear during a lunch date with your husband. When he doesn't show up, the shininess of the shorts will make you forget that your husband hates you, because you're ridiculous and is probably in a cheap motel room shoving his face in a pile of Twinkies just to spite you.
My favorite thing on the list is a $1,615 skirt, which Goopy says is a wonderful thing to wear during a night in with your friends. Yes, a $1,600 ball gown skirt is the perfect thing to wear while hanging out with your friends at home. Oh, you'll feel so comfortable wearing a $1,600 skirt while lounging on your red panda leather sofa. When your friend Bunny accidentally spills a glass of vintage Krug (it's a casual night-in, you save the good stuff for formal events) on your $1,600 skirt after you tell a joke about how you saw Muffy carrying a COACH purse into the tennis club, you don't have to freak out. It's just a casual $1,600 skirt. You'll just tell your maid to cut it into squares to use as wee wee pads for the Burmese ponies you bought for little Pomegranate and Jeduthun.
I really hope Goop stays so unaware and never pulls her head out of her ass, because all of this is gold. Oh wait, I don't mean gold. Gold is for the poors!
• 
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Playtex 4339
Wonderful.
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That's a down payment on a house.
I never liked her. I don't think she is that great of an actress. I do like her mom though.
How much $ did she pay for that oscar???
It's a madhouse Doctor, what do you expect?--Sister Jude
The ONLY reason she's famous is because she fucked Brad Pitt.
Submitted by oceanlover998 on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:02pm.
www.prettyandstupid.com/idiot/11
This from a woman who dropped out of college and does entire interviews in magazines where she discusses clothes. Time for you to step off that high horse of yours, Ms. Paltrow, before it turns around and bites you on your flat ass.
"We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature---all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, 'Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you're wearing?' and I thought, I can't stay here. I have to get back to Europe."
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Dumb broad probably has NO IDEA what her dinner party guests are talking about. I find it quite hard to believe she immerses herself in anything other than her own inflated ego and hangups about food.
Just like Angelina, who demands that her kids reply to her in French, but probably can't understand one lick of French herself. But as long as it sounds nasally, she'll take it.
Idiots, the lot of them.
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You gotta be fresh!
Submitted by Jesus is a Bisquit on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 12:20pm.
Goop is that bold and/or clueless: she says one of the worst Oscar dresses was my braless McQueen and then goes and tries to sell us #5 on her website. Stop trying to sell people the shit you got panned for, bitch!
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At least she's wearing a bra in number 5?
Goop is that bold and/or clueless: she says one of the worst Oscar dresses was my braless McQueen and then goes and tries to sell us #5 on her website. Stop trying to sell people the shit you got panned for, bitch!
About sewing- I went through my links and found some great easy tutorials.
This one is kind of old, but there are easy projects other then clothes like bags, ipod holders, tabel runners, etc.: http://www.everythingetsy.com/2011/06/101-sewing-tutorials-for-summer/
All Free Sewing is like a clearance house of free projects for everything you can think of: http://www.allfreesewing.com/#
Midriff tops were embarrassing back in 2000...when my 8th grade peers were wearing them. But for some reason, a middle aged delusionoid in a $5000 orange skort rockin' a belly shirt in 2013 just shrieks ELEGANCE!!! Goop is magic!
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19 Cats and Counting!
THE FULL RELEASE LOOP
What the underlying loop inside all of this really is
1974 someone used satellite time and brain cephalics (same thing), to view me, in 19764
The sound of the BR
Sad... to think that all of this could have been avoided with an 8 dollar box of 1970's condoms. If only her parents had known.
Ugh. This bitch. I used to really like her but the more she talks, the less I like her. I just can't defend her anymore because she's so out of touch. A woman like her could make such a huge difference in the lives of the less fortunate, but instead she goes for a bland lifestyle blog. She needs to get her head out of her ass and give time or money or resources to something that can truly make a difference and a pair of $800 shorts is changing the life of no one. Well, I guess it gives us good fodder, so that's something.
I do agree with Whamo though, she can afford it so there's that.
Has anyone watched the HBO documentary 'American Winter'? There's a family that has a little girl that got sick when they were in between insurance and they have a $49,000 medical bill. She could whip out her checkbook, write that check without breaking a sweat and save that family. Her disconnect is disgusting. Disgusting.
On a lighter note, I love how talented so many of you guys are sewing wise. I have rudimentary sewing skills. You guys have inspired me to look for a sewing machine and try to truly master it. Why not? I'm a clothes horse, it'd be really cool to be able to make something myself.
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It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.
I agree to an extent Mike--it is human decency, but you grew up in the West, and well, you never had rations, or shortages of items you should never run out of. In the Bloc, you couldn't by toilet paper sometimes. There were no Tampons or other sanitary products. It wasn't poverty, but it was poor mismanagement, and shipping our resources to Moscow.
So, from that perspective, it's even harder to fathom that kind of waste. I horde things, because I remember nothing on the shelves but Vinegar.
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
What was Pimp Mama Kris going to say? That Daniel Craig worked to get the career he has while the Kardashians' fame was handed to them on a glove that didn't fit?--MK
Submitted by loopygorilla on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 6:23am.
i was actually having a chat with an executive who had a friend who is a ceo and lives in a 30 million mansion on sydney's harbour.
anyway, we are talking about $$$ and spending on shit, and he said he met his ceo friend's family and got hang out with them for a weekend, and he said, the kids don't look at prices, or if they see it, it means nothing to them at all.
and gwyneth is an example, she was an upper east/westside new yorker, went to the finest school in the country, and her goddaddy is steven spielberg.
she has never worked a single day in her life!
and then she married a "rock star from cold play" and that was it.
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I don't dislike Gwyneth for being born into money and enjoying it. Why shouldn't she? She does work and she probably makes more than Chris Martin.
What I dislike about her, is her recent comment that women are friendlier towards her because she's more accessible, since she's no longer in her 20's and fabulous. WTF? I also despise that she fuels this country's negative association with food. I say, "Goop keep your neurosis about food to your fuckin' self." People are fat and unhealthy or skinny and unhealthy because they overeat or undereat and generally don't exercise. Period.
$458,000? Wow what a coincidence -- I'm pretty sure that's how much Net-A-Porter paid Goop.
Submitted by oceanlover998 on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:13pm.
,..whaddaya know...Goopy's been reading dlisted...!!!
www.prettyandstupid.com/idiot/11
"F-ck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world."
This one actually makes me sort of stabby and it tells you just how everyone in her life tells her how incredible she is constantly. EVERYONE has haters. If you leave the house, you have haters. To expect everyone to like you or respect your intentions is very deluded in a private person, it's unbelievably deluded in a public figure.
Goopy is making herself look like a total ass. Someone wrote below that she admitted recently that she wasn't really close to her mom Blythe Danner- which totally makes sense. Obviously she is not close to anyone grounded but
Surrounded by yes men who will tell her that she is right to put clothes on her website that are at a minimum hundreds of dollars if not thousands of dollars each.
honestly she looks like a total fucking asshole.
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"Bye, Whore" -MK
I've never liked this piece of dry toast. I honestly thought I was the only one, until I came here. I've never been to her site, I honestly thought it was geared towards regular, everyday women, not uppity bitches with money to burn. I don't know why I'm so surprised by the shit she says because it's the exact type of shit I imagined she would say, but wow. And btw, what maths are six olds learning over there? I seriously hope she was exaggerating.
i was actually having a chat with an executive who had a friend who is a ceo and lives in a 30 million mansion on sydney's harbour.
anyway, we are talking about $$$ and spending on shit, and he said he met his ceo friend's family and got hang out with them for a weekend, and he said, the kids don't look at prices, or if they see it, it means nothing to them at all.
like the 16 year old teenage daughter picked up a $6,000 miu miu bag and she just went, yep ill have it.
they have soo much money, it means absolutely nothing to them, when you put $10,000 on things or $40,000 for a crocodile hang bag by the olsen twins.
and gwyneth is an example, she was an upper east/westside new yorker, went to the finest school in the country, and her goddaddy is steven spielberg.
unlike the other actors and actresses who worked or fucked their way to stardom, gwyneth had that shit handed to her because her god daddy got her the job.
she has never worked a single day in her life!
and then she married a "rock star from cold play" and that was it.
so when she looks at a valentino bag, to her its just a bag, the price tag means nothing.
Submitted by RHONYC on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:33pm.
Except for the carnivore, you are describing me, lol. But I wouldn't. I have standrds.
For a veteran, Gwyneth consistetly looks very awkward when she poses.
In the link below, her body and especially her legs look GREAT, but she kills the look by how poorly she poses. She does the Goopy slouch. It's as if she doesn't know what to do with her hands and feet.LOL.
http://cristinahh.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/gwyneth-paltrow-contagion-...
she doesn't bother me a bit. if you had a ton of money, you'd be spending a ton of money.
and i also think she looks quite plain and ordinary... and maybe she's trying to compensate for that with this shit
.
How hilarious would it be to have a side-by-side comparison - with a professional print model, in the same clothes.
Highlight how cheap $500K can look on a Goop-like person.
.
Submitted by oceanlover998 on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:13pm.
"How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do?"
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oh dear, does she possess an iota of self awareness? not everyone will like you or the image you try to project. it's impossible for any person in the public eye to not have any haters. there's people who hate mother Teresa. I can't believe Goopy thinks she deserves to be loved and worshiped unanimously.
Submitted by Uli on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 2:10pm.
Speaking of self-entitled 1 percenters, but on your dime:
Biden's One-Night Paris Hotel Tab: $585,000.50
Your elected officials hard at work.
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well thank goodness he's not coercing our president to start unnecessary wars everywhere.
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A good pimp never tells.-M.K.
And I thought I hated bras!
Every post I see of this bitch her na na's are never reigned in.
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A good pimp never tells.-M.K.
I love how angry Goopy makes everyone on here. people just lose their shit over her pretentious, nepotistic, oblivious, 1% bragging smug mug.
"oh yes I'm sooo much more relatable to the middle class everywoman now. the kind who would totally run out and buy this $1,600 skirt my won-an-Oscar-at-26 ass recommended. I'm so grounded and humble, really!"
but guys, I seriously think she's just trolling us poors.
LMAO !!! I loved this post.
Michael K, you are wonderful !!!!!
I don't care how expensive that clothes is.. She'll always look like a country bumpkin to me, appalachian royalty.. huffing on gasoline.
As long as she continues to make Chris Martin miserable we're good.
HE INFLICTED COLDPLAY ON THE WORLD
Submitted by oceanlover998 on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:13pm.
,..whaddaya know...Goopy's been reading dlisted...!!!
"F-ck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me..."
I think she means "this Internet of people..."
She can't pose for shit she has no grace or composure... for someone with a bod supposedy all us women envy....bitch is spindly and gangly its fug!!
Submitted by RHONYC on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:33pm.
"Less than $50,000" made me LOL
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Submitted by oceanlover998 on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:13pm.
I started out laughing at the quotes but then I became nauseous.
oceanlover998, I love you.
Frothing at the mouf with jealousy at all of you who are expert seamstresses!
Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 5:41pm.
Do I think spending $5000 dollars on a stupid bag is smart, hell no but if you have 38 million dollars in your account it at least becomes a little less stupid..almost...sort... of.
I see what you're saying but, the happiest super-rich family I know is one in which each of the kids inherited about $25million CDN. They quietly give heaps to charity, fly coach, dress in regular clothes EXCEPT when they have to go to super-fancy or important events and then they pay for something expensive, which they wear and on numerous occasions. One of the daughters told me, "When you've been given so much in life, who exactly do you feel like you have to impress?"
Submitted by Bjork You on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 6:01pm.
She is trying to be Martha Stewart meets Anna Wintour.
Quoted for Truth. She isn't showing these super-expensive clothes to a reader who can afford it; Gwynnie is giving the people who admire her, a window into her privileged world. I remember Martha Stewart was advised to NOT put gardening articles in her mag, since her core readership (urban, middle class, busy) don't have gardens let alone 3-acre veggie patches. Martha said, "of course they don't... but they aspire to." Folks are loyal to Martha bc she sells them a dream of a certain kind of lifestyle. Gwyneth is building her base in exactly the same manner. It establishes her as a connoisseur of The Finer Things so when she sells her own stuff on Goop (y'know she's now selling all kinds of things she's created "in partnership" with various designers, right?), her followers jump in line to buy.
Submitted by TexnDoc on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 2:22pm.
Such a perfect example of a limousine liberal, who probably cheered every "OCCUPY" this or that rally. In her 1600 dollar skirt. While telling the little people how to vote. From London.
Also quoted for Truth.
.
PUNCH THAT FACE!!!!!
(that is all.)
Submitted by oceanlover998 on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 10:02pm.
Oh yes, I can imagine all the great dinner parties she had with the Primrose Hill crowd. Maybe Sadie Frost talked about millet meatloaf and Manet whilst the ever profound Kate Moss and Meg Matthews discussed drunkenly falling out of bars and reciting lines from Dostoevsky.
Ha! I can totally picture it all... ;-)
here's what...i will bet that her husband Chris Martin is banging someone with the following attributes:
~ natural coily hair
~ big, pendulous double Ds
~ round, high lil' ass
~ back fat
~ stomach fat
~ less than $50,000 a year
~ glutinous, carnivorous diet
damn, or am i just wishing out loud???
"OHHH-OH-AWWW-AH-OHHHHHH-OH,
OHHH-OH-AWWW-AH-OHHHHHH-OH
BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH...WHEN I RULED CHRIS' BALLS"
okay...mama's reaching. lol
:-D
,..whaddaya know...Goopy's been reading dlisted...!!!
www.prettyandstupid.com/idiot/11
"F-ck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world."
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...'Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason '...
www.prettyandstupid.com/idiot/11
The always delusional Mrs. Coldplay throws a pity party for herself:
"I'm really f**king good at my job, and people who are interesting and good know that. That's all that matters."
As for the people that actually buy movie tickets...they suck right Gwynnie? Please do us all a favor you insufferable prat and shut up.
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...'Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason '...
www.prettyandstupid.com/idiot/11
Ben Affleck's old girlfriend takes a moment out of her Goop-y lifestyle for some self-reflection:
"People think I'm aloof, or old, or that I breathe rarefied air---that's not me."
No, we're all pretty sure that the air you breathe Gwyneth smells like undeserved entitlement, organic sunflower seeds, and a whole lot of self-importance.
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...'Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason '...
www.prettyandstupid.com/idiot/11
Playing fast and loose with history, much like she did with her Hollywood boyfriends, Goop has a new scold for us:
"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible."
America apologizes to Spain and Great Britain for foisting the great pile of poo known as Gwyneth Paltrow upon them.
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...'Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason '...
www.prettyandstupid.com/idiot/11
This from a woman who dropped out of college and does entire interviews in magazines where she discusses clothes. Time for you to step off that high horse of yours, Ms. Paltrow, before it turns around and bites you on your flat ass.
"We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature---all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, 'Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you're wearing?' and I thought, I can't stay here. I have to get back to Europe."
Oh yes, I can imagine all the great dinner parties she had with the Primrose Hill crowd. Maybe Sadie Frost talked about millet meatloaf and Manet whilst the ever profound Kate Moss and Meg Matthews discussed drunkenly falling out of bars and reciting lines from Dostoevsky.
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...'Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason '...
The lottery is $320M. When I win I promise not to turn into Goopy. *le sigh*
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
I could find stuff similar to this shit on the discount rack at Old Navy. And Yes, I'd still bypass it...even if it only cost $3.00.
She's beyond delusional.
The Victoria Beckham dress is the onliest item out of everything pictured above that my commoner's taste finds cute.
I especially don't care for that heathered grey sweatshirt look paired with fancy metallics.
And why spend all that money on clothes when your hair is thin, limp and ragged at all times? I know she's busy being a "mum," and all, but can't she put that mess in a ponytail or call someone over to trim the ends?
I'm very superficial, I hate everything official.
she needs to try harder cos everything looks like it could be purchased from a thrift shop, h&m, urban outfitters or forever21.
Why is she standing like that? Does she have scoliosis?
I refuse to believe she is even dumb enough to buy that shit, She is getting it for free and whoreing it out for the designers and getting paid. I've never wanted to slap a bitch more.
Showing midriff is a big NO NO, in my book. Trashy looking. Even for poopy.
Taking fashion advice from Gwyneth Paltrow is like taking skincare advice from a leper. She's a shapeless, vapid hag who thinks that just because something is expensive, it looks good and is worth the pricetag (PROTIP: it doesn't, it isn't, and you're a dumb fuck for paying that much... on what planet does fabric, thread, buttons, etc. cost $1600 to make a skirt?)
I will never understand people who pay a ton of cash for clothes just because of the designer name attached to them. So stupid. I will never understand how someone as cool as Blythe Danner could have shat out such a pretentious, overrated cunt like Gwyneth, either.