And this is why I should mainline Death Wish coffee before I open up my laptop.
The chipmunk Slytherin spent all of her teen years working hard to put squirrel meat on the shopping cart grill, so she didn’t get the whole “twerking in front of a video camera” thing out of her system the way most of us did before we turned 16. But since bitch doesn’t have shit to do now, this is how she’s spending her time. Last night, Miley Cyrus uploaded a 2 minute-long video of her shaking her ass in a unicorn onesie. Bitch looks more like a deranged boxing kangaroo with physical Tourettes. The most tragic part of all of this is that my caffeine-less brain spent the first few minutes of my morning trying to process all of this mess. I should really put a warning label on the front of my laptop that reads: “Do Not Operate Unless You Are Under the Influence of Caffeine Or a Mind-Altering Substance.“
And here’s Miley’s maybe fiance Liam Hemsworth arriving back in L.A. last night. I keep refreshing the photo agency databases for pictures of Liam Hemsworth leaving L.A. this morning, because I’m sure as soon as he got home and saw this video of Miley trying to twerk, he turned right back around and got the fuck out of there.