Joe Jonas’ Dildo-Filled Sex Tape Is Coming Out In April, Allegedly (UPDATE: Joe Denies It)

March 21, 2013 / Posted by:

For about a week, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about a celebrity dude’s girlfriend who tricked him into doing something that will make her a bigger star than she already is. I figured that Stacy Keibler reversed George Clooney’s vasectomy in his sleep and then made a baby, but apparently it’s way more escandaloso than that. Blind Gossip claims that all their blind items are really about a sex tape starring Joe Jonas and his model piece Blanda Eggenschwiler. The most shocking part of all of this is that Joe Jonas (allegedly) touched an actual, real-life vagina on camera. The other shocking part of all of this is that Blanda Eggenschwiler is the name of a person and not the name of an otter in a Roald Dahl book.

The Jonas Brothers are currently on tour in South America and Blind Gossip says that earlier this month at the Park Hotel in Buenos Aires, Joe and the fittingly-named Blanda made a fuck tape where they get drunk, smoke weed and he licks her coochie juices off of a dildo. They didn’t just put a video camera on a tripod, either. Apparently, this was all planned out and they got their videographer friend to film them. Professional shit!

The people who were in the room while the tape was being made were Joe, Blanda, and the photographer/videographer. The p/v is a friend of the couple, and was asked to shoot the video because they both trusted him. In addition to the video, he also took some very explicit nude photos of the couple.

At the beginning of the video, Joe and Blanda are sitting on the bed together. They are both drinking and smoking pot, and Blanda explains to Joe what she is going to do to him in detail.

They proceed to engage in multiple sex acts utilizing a variety of sex toys, including a large dildo, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle. Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him. He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries “Owww! Don’t do that anymore!” Blanda is the more dominant one in the video. At one point she inserts the dildo inside of herself, orders Joe to “lick my pussy juice off of it,” and he complies.

The couple is very vocal and there is a lot of overly dramatic screaming and moaning. The sex is explicit, and there are multiple close-up shots of Joe’s face, penis and testicles, as well as Blanda’s face, breasts, and vagina. In between sex acts, they consume shots of alcohol. The video looks as if it was shot over the course of several hours, and some scenes were shot multiple times, so we do not know which takes will appear in the final cut. Both Joe and Blanda start out sober but appear to be inebriated by the end of it.

Blind Gossip says that for the past year, Joe Jonas has been all sad about his career and is drowning his sadness in booze and the bad shit. When he started dating Blanda, he started drinking and drugging even more. His family is trying to get him into rehab, but he keeps pulling a Lindsay Lohan by telling them he doesn’t have a problem.

Apparently, Blanda planned this whole sex tape thing, because she wants to become the next Kim Kardashian. She got the videographer, brought in the fuck toys and directed the whole thing. She has already cut a deal with a sex tape distributor and will take 35% of the profits. She’s planning to dump Joe as soon as that shit comes out. The sex tape is supposed to come out April 3rd, but Blind Gossip thinks it could come out even sooner. Also, Blanda Egegwgegwbgwhatever has been tweeting about how April 3rd is going to be her special day.

The description of that fuck tape sounds like Joe Jonas fanfiction written 50 Shades of Grey-style. This all sounds like some elaborate April Fool’s joke, but if a tape comes out of Joe holding onto his purity cock ring as his insane girlfriend does him with a strap-on while slapping his nalgas with a paddle, I will pull the drapes closed, call it a day and watch the hell out of that mess.

UPDATE: Joe Jonas’ spokeswhore tells TMZ that a sex tape doesn’t exist and there’s no way he could’ve ever made one with Blanda Egegwwgwgwhatever, because he has never seen a vagina in person before!

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