Joe Jonas' Dildo-Filled Sex Tape Is Coming Out In April, Allegedly (UPDATE: Joe Denies It)
For about a week, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about a celebrity dude's girlfriend who tricked him into doing something that will make her a bigger star than she already is. I figured that Stacy Keibler reversed George Clooney's vasectomy in his sleep and then made a baby, but apparently it's way more escandaloso than that. Blind Gossip claims that all their blind items are really about a sex tape starring Joe Jonas and his model piece Blanda Eggenschwiler. The most shocking part of all of this is that Joe Jonas (allegedly) touched an actual, real-life vagina on camera. The other shocking part of all of this is that Blanda Eggenschwiler is the name of a person and not the name of an otter in a Roald Dahl book.
The Jonas Brothers are currently on tour in South America and Blind Gossip says that earlier this month at the Park Hotel in Buenos Aires, Joe and the fittingly-named Blanda made a fuck tape where they get drunk, smoke weed and he licks her coochie juices off of a dildo. They didn't just put a video camera on a tripod, either. Apparently, this was all planned out and they got their videographer friend to film them. Professional shit!
The people who were in the room while the tape was being made were Joe, Blanda, and the photographer/videographer. The p/v is a friend of the couple, and was asked to shoot the video because they both trusted him. In addition to the video, he also took some very explicit nude photos of the couple.
At the beginning of the video, Joe and Blanda are sitting on the bed together. They are both drinking and smoking pot, and Blanda explains to Joe what she is going to do to him in detail.
They proceed to engage in multiple sex acts utilizing a variety of sex toys, including a large dildo, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle. Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him. He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries “Owww! Don’t do that anymore!” Blanda is the more dominant one in the video. At one point she inserts the dildo inside of herself, orders Joe to “lick my pussy juice off of it,” and he complies.
The couple is very vocal and there is a lot of overly dramatic screaming and moaning. The sex is explicit, and there are multiple close-up shots of Joe’s face, penis and testicles, as well as Blanda’s face, breasts, and vagina. In between sex acts, they consume shots of alcohol. The video looks as if it was shot over the course of several hours, and some scenes were shot multiple times, so we do not know which takes will appear in the final cut. Both Joe and Blanda start out sober but appear to be inebriated by the end of it.
Blind Gossip says that for the past year, Joe Jonas has been all sad about his career and is drowning his sadness in booze and the bad shit. When he started dating Blanda, he started drinking and drugging even more. His family is trying to get him into rehab, but he keeps pulling a Lindsay Lohan by telling them he doesn't have a problem.
Apparently, Blanda planned this whole sex tape thing, because she wants to become the next Kim Kardashian. She got the videographer, brought in the fuck toys and directed the whole thing. She has already cut a deal with a sex tape distributor and will take 35% of the profits. She's planning to dump Joe as soon as that shit comes out. The sex tape is supposed to come out April 3rd, but Blind Gossip thinks it could come out even sooner. Also, Blanda Egegwgegwbgwhatever has been tweeting about how April 3rd is going to be her special day.
The description of that fuck tape sounds like Joe Jonas fanfiction written 50 Shades of Grey-style. This all sounds like some elaborate April Fool's joke, but if a tape comes out of Joe holding onto his purity cock ring as his insane girlfriend does him with a strap-on while slapping his nalgas with a paddle, I will pull the drapes closed, call it a day and watch the hell out of that mess.
UPDATE: Joe Jonas' spokeswhore tells TMZ that a sex tape doesn't exist and there's no way he could've ever made one with Blanda Egegwwgwgwhatever, because he has never seen a vagina in person before!
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just cuz you suck and lick a dildo, does not make you gay. cuz it has pussy juices on it.
This Blanda chick is quite the con. Either way, she'll get a nice payday out of this and some infamy. I feel bad for Joe Jonas if this is true, but hopefully he'll get his shit together. Apparently, he's very heavy into drugs nowadays.
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 7:44pm.
hours and hours of sex is just not my bag. You have an orgasm, I have an orgasm, and it's all good. If it lasts all of 15 minutes, that is totally fine. T"
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This. Hear you. Have always been in that "minority". QUALITY over quantity. Same here IVixen.
{{{CSGGGG}}}
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"Discussions about what is good, beautiful, noble, pure, true, could always go on. Why is that important? Because that is the only conversation worth having." C.Hitchens,1949-2011. *caprica six was/is here*
Wake me up when there's a video of Nick Jonas taking a big one from the back like a power bottom. ..but, I'd still watch this one because hey why not?
Michael you fucke "Blanda Eggenschwiler is the name of a person and not the name of an otter in a Roald Dahl book." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
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That "hair" is a wig, trust.
without it, and the ten plus pounds of makeup, this bitch is frighteningly ugly. google. ~ Christine the Hoff on Paula Deen
Damn! when are ppl gonna learn video & pics can turn into humiliating evidence? Unless you want to be in the Kim K & Paris Hilton club. Thats a club I'd wanna avoid like herpes.
slutty slutty slutty - Michael Kors
Submitted by chippychazoo on Fri, 03/22/2013 - 5:54am.
mmm, how do you 'trick' someone into doing a a sex tape when there's a professional in the room with you doing the filming?
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Exactly. They both think they're going to get something out of this tape - she's going for fame/fortune, he's going for hetero street cred. Unfortunately they both forgot that neither one of them is interesting.
mmm, how do you 'trick' someone into doing a a sex tape when there's a professional in the room with you doing the filming?
Here's a brilliant solution: DON'T FILM YO FUCK TIMES. Problem solved.
~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
FANTA FANTA, NO COKE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE
Meat Loaf was in the middle of a show when his knees suddenly hit the stage floor like a narcoleptic bat out of hell ~MK
oh the jonas brothers, once famous now "who?" because of bieber and one direction.
soon bieber and one direction will be chucked into the same scrap heap as the jonas brothers, and selena gomez will release a video where she uses a strap on justin and taylor swift will use a strap on on one direction.
Long sex bores me and leads to rawness which isn't pleasurable..as Iong as I get mine and he gets his what's quantity vs quality +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.."
i would watch that, definitely. i don't find him that attractive but i love this kind of DRAMA!!!
though now that BG has revealed the item, i wonder what will happen.
*cut to the joe jonas headquarters where an emergency meeting is just being held*
At times like these it must really suck to be famous. No matter how sad, sick or deprived your bedroom activities may be, they are your own private business.
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Who are you calling silly cow?
It would have been more interesting if it was Clooney and Keibler.
Isn't this the brother who's diabetic? Not diabetes II, but diabetes I where you can go into a coma quite easily.
She looks like Phoebe Price.
I wanna see.
I wanna see the Joe Jonas hot dickings.
(Not to mention the paddling)
BRING IT ON.
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 11:56pm.
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MK's right, whether the fake version or the real version, this would sell out. And Zack and Miri was true with real porn stars RandéS. ha
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Yeeeaaaaaah, the Jonas' can MORE than afford to block this.
We'll see if it EVAH sees the light o' day!!!
(Maybe this will push Joe to go to rehab.)
It may also move Joe's image from teeny-bopper idol to mature star.
Methinks this will backfire on "Blanda, the Ultimate Famewhore".
(WhoTF names their kid "Blanda"?!)
L.M.F.A.OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Big girls need big diamonds--Elizabeth Taylor
Submitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 11:53pm.
this is giving me "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" vibes.
Oh, I don't care if it's "real" or fake. As long as it's entertaining.
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 11:44pm.
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She would. I knew I wasn't alone in thinking that. Although, this is giving me "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" vibes. Not sure why.
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 11:38pm.
Top. Mildly sadistic. Enough to publish the vid, let's hope.
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 11:12pm.
Yeah, stunt:
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I knew it! Doesn't she look like a little general? Like an agent. Yup, it's true, she's the top.
LOL at your version of the name's origin. I'd buy it, although it could be WAY off, ha.
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Her name is Blanda Eggenschwiler? He licked a dildo? There was a videographer in the room and she's the TOP and directed? That's it, the end. Love this.
No I don't. *dies inside*
I'd watch he hell out of your version of that mess too MK! bwahwahahaha
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Yeah, stunt:
http://www.justjaredjr.com/photo-gallery/544555/joe-jonas-blanda-pool-ki...
Eggen means "harrow" in German but I can't find any "schwiler." The closest is "schwuler," German for GAY.
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 7:44pm.
I know I'm in the minority here, but hours and hours of sex is just not my bag. You have an orgasm, I have an orgasm, and it's all good. If it lasts all of 15 minutes, that is totally fine. Totally vanilla sex, is my middle name.
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can't sign off on liking totally vanilla but I agree that hours and hours of sex is never appealing. Foreplay can last a while and if we're switching it up the whole thing can last longer but the thought of somebody actually inside of me longer than half an hour is revolting.
Submitted by bird: "Look at her playing up to the camera. She totally planned it. Its like the Jodi Arias trial, when an unexperienced man gets some kinky pussy, you can get them to do anything."
Yup. Totally nailed it.
I would buy the sex tape thing but he doesn't really strike me as the type of being a heavy drug user. His eyes don't have that LaLohan look about them o.0
But is he wearing his purity ring in the video?
BLANDA!? Her name is actually BLANDA?? HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by LaChaylo on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 8:11pm.
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then imma need a keg of Mad Dog 20/20 Banana Red for my Dlisting coeds tonight!
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
-Sophia Loren
blazingwhite, anyone who successfully throws shade to a zlister douche like Michael Lohan deserves a Dlisted peen trophy filled with the alcohol of your choice!!
Great job!!!
It was all direct tweet 8( I really wanted him to post it on his page! His a loon, arguing w/strangers like that... real celebs wouldn't give those things the time off day...... But I bet it was Kate Major tweeting for him tonight.
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
-Sophia Loren
hahhahahaha blazingwhitetrash!
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For knowing that someone in this life
Loves with a passion called hate
And what you give is what you get
Submitted by blazingwhitetrash
Awesome! Too bad he blocked you, more harassment for him would be so fantastic. Great humanitarian work you did :)
Submitted by blazingwhitetrash on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 8:02pm.
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Love it--- AWESOME!! :)
OFF TOPIC BUT @MichaelJLohan Just called me a bitch and said I have "dead and hollow eyes" on twitter, or it was his hoe, after I said I'd never be with a man who'd spray seed everywhere and expect my drugged out daughter to pay for my bastards, and then he claimed he made more money in interest then my whole family did in an entire year, I asked if I would see him in the news for being a scam artist again then I informed him that my son has a bigger inheritance than he'd know what to do with so I had it written in the will I couldn't benefit for fear of appearance of impropritiy on my part could HE possibly have the willpower to do that... he (or Kate) basically called me a hoe who could possibly have a kid w/me... then he blocked me... I just wanted to share!
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
-Sophia Loren
Red stripe is awful
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 7:44pm.
I know I'm in the minority here, but hours and hours of sex is just not my bag. You have an orgasm, I have an orgasm, and it's all good.
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That's what I was thinking. They never mentioned the money shot. Sooo... does anyone cum? or is it basically simulating sex? and last, how is that hot?
Look at her playing up to the camera. She totally planned it. Its like the Jodi Arias trial, when an unexperienced man gets some kinky pussy, you can get them to do anything.
IV, I am with you.....15 minutes is just fine!
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For knowing that someone in this life
Loves with a passion called hate
And what you give is what you get
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 7:09pm.
Submitted by Craigypants: "...How are the evangelical christians gonna spin this one?"
Well, as I recall, there's nothing they love more than a good redemption. They're absolutely titillated by the sins, and the worse the sin is, the harder they can judge and the better they can feel that they recklaimed the sinner from the debil's clutches.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Nailed it!
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"Buy a vibrator bitch, drink wine and stay home." - Craigypants 1/22/2013
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 7:44pm.
I know I'm in the minority here, but hours and hours of sex is just not my bag. You have an orgasm, I have an orgasm, and it's all good. If it lasts all of 15 minutes, that is totally fine. Totally vanilla sex, is my middle name.
Nothing wrong with that IV - doesn't always have to be a marathon. Sometimes a mini series is just fine!
I would so watch this mess, and Joe is kinda hot
Wow, who looks at Kim Kumdumpster and thinks, 'I want to follow her career trajectory'??
The only Jonas I know is the one who was in Smash. Cute, in a puppydog way. This one? Not so much and I too thought he was gay?
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"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?
"Blanda Eggenschwiler is the name of a person and not the name of an otter in a Roald Dahl book."
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this is why I love you MK!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I'm in the minority here, but hours and hours of sex is just not my bag. You have an orgasm, I have an orgasm, and it's all good. If it lasts all of 15 minutes, that is totally fine. Totally vanilla sex, is my middle name.
If this does see the light of day, I would look at it one and then be embarrassed for all involved, even the sex toys.
Amateurs. The stunt queens of yore at least had some infamy *before* their dutty laundry got displayed. Blanda and Blander doing it is like finding out Atom Ant used his powers mostly to look up women's drawers. Hopefully the dildo was used without lube; Joe's voice has deepened and getting his cherry hole-punched may allow him to hit those high notes again.
Submitted by mike on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 5:38pm.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 5:15pm.
Does anyone watch celebrity sex tapes and get off?
Nope. And if this is true, and this chick thinks she'll make some real money from the tape, she's dreaming. Who pays for porn anymore?
Not me!!!!!!
April 3rd is my birthday! Do NOT ruin it with your nasty ass porn, ugly couple!
*peeks through thread*
Mah ex-boo is not (I don't think so) gay. If he is, he's still mah-ex boo.
Submitted by idiots drive me loco on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 7:02pm.
I'm scared to go into the Jon Hamm thread, out of fear Twat Muffin might shank me if I succumb to the Hammaconda. I fangirl for the Jonas Brothers and Tom Hiddleston. That's about it.
..."POPEMON: Gotta bless 'em all"
"The artist formerly known as pope"-Stephen Colbert...
Submitted by Furry-Hunk-Of-M... on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 6:00pm.
There's a sex tape of Joe Jonas in a room with a woman and dildo and he didn't immediately jump on the bed with a towel wrapped around his head and use the dildo as a microphone and belt out Memories from Cats? I don't believe a word of it.
hahaha. That's in the tape, too.