What A Waste Of Gold Glitter (UPDATE: LiLo Strikes Deal, Isn’t Going To Jail)

March 18, 2013 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan finally decided to show up to court in L.A. this morning and she was only 50 minutes late. LiLo probably stopped for Blood Marys, did a pre-hearing bump in a gas station bathroom and changed into linnocent white (complete with a holy cross) before going to court, so 50 minutes isn’t that late. When LiLo jumped out of her SUV and took the walk of shame into the court room, she got glitter-bombed the same way she got glitter-bombed in 2010. I used to think that everything is prettier when you throw a little glitter on it, but I was wrong. All that glitters is not gold. That tsunami of glitter should’ve been directed at her lawyer, the Larry H. Parker of gnomes, because he and his extra fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase deserves to be drenched in a sparkle storm, not her. If it only it was a swarm of bees!

If you’re watching TMZ’s live feed of Lindsay Lohan’s latest date with the California Justice System, then you probably have the California seal embedded into your retinas, because her trial hasn’t started. They’re running over 2 hours late and apparently LiLo has been in the bathroom while six Sheriffs wait outside for her. How rude of those Sheriffs. Can’t they give a bitch some privacy while she’s trying to shit out the 4 balloons of coke she swallowed before going through airport security? No respect!

LiLo’s court date is supposed to start any minute now, so you can watch the live feed if you want to see her finger bang the justice system in the butt without lube again. If the trial doesn’t start, you can just look at the seal for another two hours and honestly, staring at that seal is probably better than staring at LiLo’s stale empanada lips.

UPDATE: Throw out the popcorn, because there’s not going to be a Crackie vs. The People trial after all. After turning down plea deal after plea deal for weeks, LiLo struck a deal with prosecutors today. LiLo pleaded no contest to reckless driving and lying to the cops about being the one who crashed her Porsche into a semi. The reckless driving charge brings an automatic 5 days in jail, but the prosecutors agreed to roll that into her time in rehab. LiLo agreed to 90 days in lockdown rehab, 30 days of community labor in New York and 18 months of psychotherapy. LiLo’s on probation for stealing that jooree and she admitted to violating her probation. The judge sentenced her to 180 days in jail for that, but she won’t have to serve that sentence if she obeys all the laws (HAHAHAHA!). The judge also told her to stop driving.

And that’s that. I’m sure we’ll be doing all of this again in a couple of weeks when LiLo breaks out of rehab, steals a car, robs a liquor store and then drunkenly crashes into a preschool.

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