You can almost hear the words, “I will kick you the vagina,” jumping out of his shout hole.
I can’t find video of it, but the best moment from Lindsay Lohan’s Fun Time Court Hour happened after she pleaded no contest and a judge sentenced her to 90 days in a spa. Lindsay Lohan’s tiny and tanned lawyer, Mark Heller, held a press conference afterward where he spewed all kinds of ridiculousness like she doesn’t have a substance abuse problem and she’s going to come out of this with dignity and grace. It’s like his tiny tongue was possessed by White Oprah. Mark Heller kept yammering on and then he nearly jumped out of his Underoos when Michael Lohan started screaming at him from off camera. When Michael Lohan got closer to the podium, Mark Heller ran the hell out of there. It was like watching my chihuahua jump and run for cover when a car backfires.
After Mark Heller ran back to his office in the Keebler Forest, Michael Lohan got on the mic and farted at the mouth about how Mark Heller is just using Lindsay Lohan for attention and is going to lose his license to practice law. Michael, who’s about as reliable as a crumbly piece of dried dog shit, claims that Mark Heller never kept LiLo updated during plea deal negotiations and committed an illegal act by tampering with a witness. TMZ says that the Santa Monica Attorney is investigating Mark Heller for allegedly trying to get LiLo’s assistant Gavin to lie on the stand. Mark allegedly wanted Gavin to say he was the one driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi.
Michael Lohan ended the press conference he hijacked by saying that rehab is the best place for LiLo and then he pulled out a Styrofoam cup and asked the reporters to drop a few coins in there, because he can’t afford to pay for parking. I love how Michael Lohan is telling Mark Heller to stop using his daughter for publicity when he’s up there using his daughter for publicity. Michael Lohan is the only one who can shout his daughter’s name while humping on the spotlight.
Here’s some pictures of the sunburnt turtle getting ragey outside of the court house and also some pictures of LiLo redefining the phrase “rode hard and put away wet.“