While Apple and Moses Martin are eating the stuck cheese off of the McDonald’s wrappers they smuggled into their bedrooms because they are HONGRAY, Goopy Paltrow is downstairs sharing a crystal goblet full of calorie-free organic air with a bunch of women who were too threatened by her to be her friend 14 years ago. Goopy tells Self Magazine (more like Self-Involved Magazine if Fishsticks is on the cover) that after Harvey Weinstein pretty much bought her an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, women were too jealous of her power to be her friend. But now that she’s more seasoned and has been through a lot (I’ll wait here as you go and pick up the eyeball that rolled out onto the floor), women like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz want to be her friend. The Anne Hathaway of her time shat out this dingle of ridiculousness.
“I feel a sisterhood emerging around me. I’m less threatening now that I’m 40 and not 26-with-an-Oscar. They know I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering – some public, some private – and I keep going. Or maybe it’s just that I was the first one who could afford therapy!”
Goopy really has been through a lot of pain and suffering! One time at a restaurant, she ordered a caviar-encrusted piece of raw bluefin tuna on a bed of cloud puree and the waiter brought her a caviar-encrusted piece of seared bluefin tuna instead. THE PAIN! Another time, she was watching a TV documentary on Ethiopia to get diet tips when a commercial for Pillsbury Crescent Rolls came on. THE SUFFERING! Goopy can’t even look at processed carbs, that’s how allergic to gluten she is. And let’s not even get into the time she had to rip her wood-burning pizza oven out because her weekday nanny put a DiGiorno in there. She has been through a lot!
And Goopy only has friends like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz now, because all the insufferable and pretentious crap that comes out of her mouth makes them feel humble and sane by comparison.
via The Daily Mail