Can I Get “Things That Will Happen When Hell Freezes Over” For $200, Alex?

Matt Lauer’s current $25-million-a-year contract with NBC will not be renewed, because Today’s viewers went from loving to hate-watch him to hating to hate-watch him. Alex Trebek’s final contract as host of Jeopardy! ends sort of around the same time that Matt Lauer’s contract ends and you know where I’m going with this so let’s just all scream NOOOOOOO! together.

The New York Post says that in 2016, 72-year-old Alex Trebek will retire as host of Jeopardy! and Sony Pictures Television, who owns the show, is already putting together a list of possible replacements. Matt Lauer, who is currently at the bottom of the People I Want To Watch In The Morning list, is at the top of Sony’s list. Alex has had a few heart problems recently, so he wanted to quit that bitch and retire this year. But Sony convinced him to stay for three more years, because they told him they need a lot of time to find his replacement.

Sony is also thinking of talking to America’s sweetheart Anderson Cooper about taking the job. The Silver Fox is apparently into it. The Silver Fox hosted The Mole for a quick minute (and he always has an invitation to be the host of My Hole, sorry) and he likes the idea of hosting a game show, because the shooting schedule is easy. Sony thinks they’re still a year-and-a-half away from seriously talking to The Silver Fox or Matt Lauer about the job, but a source says that major moves could be made before then.

America is thisclose to getting rid of Matt Lauer and Jeopardy! is already planning his return to television? Damn them. Matt Lauer is better than Alex Trebek at some things (example: Matt Lauer does a criminal check on every call girl he gets from the Yellow Pages. Alex made a rookie mistake), but hosting a game show isn’t one of them. The silver-topped Canadian raisin that is Alex Trebek cannot be replaced!

But if Sony insists on going on with the show and replacing Alex Trebek, they should replace him with Sean Connery. Then Alex can be a contestant and he can mess with Sean for once.