Open Post: Hosted By White Smoke! (UPDATE)

March 13, 2013 / Posted by:

White smoke poured out of the Sistine Chapel a few minutes ago and usually that means the cardinals are hot boxing again, but today it means that they told all the other pope wannabes to sashay away, because they have chosen the new head bitch of the Catholic Church. The new pope will show his or her (I’m still hoping it’s Joan Collins) face sometime in the next hour. Lock up your altar boys!

And couldn’t they bedazzle that chimney or silver leaf it for the occasion? That shit is dreadful.

UPDATE: The dude who beat the other contestants in a dance-off, bikini contest and knife fight is 76-year-old Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina.

Dude is the first Latin-American pope and the first pope from the new world. He’s going to go by Francis I. Bergoglio Pope Francis the First from now on. And in case it wasn’t already obvious, he’s anti-gay marriage and anti-abortion. But more importantly, would you hit it? I refuse to answer that question myself until I see what this old queen looks like in Prada loafers.

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