Taylor Swift Will Never Ever Ever Read Your Fan Mail

March 12, 2013 / Posted by:

ABC News 2 (via Buzzfed) in Nashville brings us this highly important BREAKING NEWS story about a woman who found hundreds upon hundreds of mostly unopened fan letters to Taylor Swift in a recycling dumpster. Kylee Francescan was throwing some newspapers into the recycling dumpster near her house when she noticed a mountain of glitter-covered envelopes in there. Surprisingly, the envelopes weren’t stuffed with threatening letters written in cutout magazine text from all the ex-boyfriends she wrote songs about. They were fan letters from all over the world.

Kylee knows how much Taylor cares about her fans (her words, not mine), so she pulled all the letters out of the dumpster, because she wanted to find a way to get them to her. Kylee called up News 2 and asked for their help. They dropped everything to help Kylee get the letters to Taylor. The letters were all addressed to a PO Box in a strip mall in Hendersonville, TN. The owner of the strip mall told News 2 that Taylor gets boxes of fan letters all the time and a member of her management team shows up every now and again to pick up the mail. News 2 took the letters to the offices of Taylor Swift’s record company. The record company didn’t know why those letters were dumped like trash. Taylor’s management company told News 2 that they didn’t know about the letters either. They gave News 2 this statement:

“Taylor gets thousands of fan letters everyday and they are delivered to her management office. After the letters are opened and read, they are recycled. The only explanation for any letters being unopened would be that a small batch of mail that was supposed to be delivered to Taylor was accidentally put with letters headed for the recycling center. We sincerely appreciate Channel 2 bringing this to our attention, and we plan to immediately pick up the mail.”

Taylor’s rep went on to say that they are launching an investigation to find the trick who threw all that unopened fan mail into the dumpster. That trick will be punished. There’s a special place in hell for interns who don’t help Taylor Swift by opening up her fan letters before dumping them into the dumpster.

I’ve only sent one handwritten fan letter in my life. (The locks of my own pubic hair I send to Anderson Cooper’s office on a monthly basis don’t count.) When I was 6 years old, I wrote to Cyndi Lauper and I told her that she was the prettiest girl in the world and I liked her songs. I’m dumb now, but I was really dumb then, because I didn’t even put an address on the envelope. I just wrote “To: Cyndi Lauper” and put the envelope on my mailbox for the postman to pick up. It never made it into the postman’s bag. My sister’s friend, who was the bitchiest girl on the block, got to the letter first. She opened it and wrote a response as Cyndi Lauper.

Like I said before, I was really damn dumb then, because I didn’t think it was strange that I got a response from Cyndi Lauper the next day. (It might’ve even been the same day. I thought life like a cartoon. Everything happens in fast motion.) The fake response from fake Cyndi Lauper wasn’t mean or anything. It was nice. It made me really happy and I was really excited about it until the bitchiest girl on the block killed the rainbow around me by telling me that she’s the one who wrote the letter. She laughed in my 6-year-old face! That bitch. I’ll never forgive her for toying with my emotions.

But you know, she got hers. I went to my mom’s house a few weeks ago and saw the bitchiest girl on the block, who now lives in her childhood house, walking down the street. She had UGGs on her feet and an Aeropostale t-shirt on her body. UGGs and an Aeropostale t-shirt! That’s punishment enough.

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