Would You Hit It?

March 11, 2013 / Posted by:

Well, it was bound to happen, but today is the day when we’re all staring in unison at the Dick Solomon in Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s silky shorts. Congratulations to us all! Who knew that JGL looks hot even when he’s making a constipation face. You’re monitor is probably covered with a thin layer of self-tanner grease and AXE hair gel, and that’s because in his new movie Don Jon, JGL plays a Jersey dude who is obsessed with chasing tricks, pumping iron and fapping to porn. It’s almost like The Situation’s life story. If there’s a scene in JGL’s movie where his character has butt sex with a Jacuzzi jet, The Situation is totally going to sue him for not paying for the rights to his life story.

Don Jon, which was directed by JGL and also stars ScarJo, Tony Danza and Julianne Moore, is currently screening at SXSW. JGL says his movie is “a comedy about how men and women treat each other, and how the media we consume can create unrealistic expectations that we put on one another. That’s why the story centers around a relationship between a young man (played by me) who watches too much pornography and a young woman (played by Scarlett) who watches too many romantic Hollywood movies. It’s a topic I personally find fascinating and hilarious.”

Blah blah blah blah…. Doesn’t JGL know that you don’t sell a movie by yammering on and on about the plot? You sell a movie by telling us how many nude scenes, shirtless scenes and peen print scenes are in your movie. Nobody cares about the plot!

To answer my question in the headline, yes, I’d hit it and I’d hit Tony Danza too, but only if they kept their guido looks. And since JGL is a director now, maybe he can make my wet dreams come true by directing (and starring in) a gay porn parody of 3rd Rock from the Sun called 3rd Cock from my Buns.

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