I know, the last thing you needed to see on a Monday morning is a close-up shot of a dirty maxi-pad face. Well, at least it’s all up from here and nothing you see this week will be grosser than a portrait of a Kartrashian looking like the tip of a 5 day old tampon.
On last night’s episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami, one of the Illuminati’s secret beauty regimens was revealed when Kim Kartrashian got a Vampire Facelift. Since Kim is a vapid dildo of vainness, she will inject anything into her face (examples: resin, liquid nails, the sperm of Lucifer, the syrupy nectar that forms under Kanye’s titties when he throws a tantrum, etc…etc..) to keep her mug looking as tight as Kanye’s puckering pussay. And before she got knocked up, she tried some procedure where they take blood from your arm and separate the platelets before injecting it into your face. Here’s how Wikipedia explains this Elizabeth Bathory shit:
The Vampire Facelift is the trademarked name for a non-surgical cosmetic procedure involving the reinjection of a gel-like substance—platelet rich fibrin matrix (PRFM)—derived from a patient’s own blood back into multiple areas of the skin of their face in an effort to treat wrinkles and “rejuvenate” the face.
Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) is blood plasma that has been enriched with platelets. When activated, either by thrombin or calcium chloride, PRP takes on the form of a viscous gel (PRFM) containing high levels of several platelet-derived growth factors (cytokines) that may then be injected into the face in much the same manner as other dermal fillers such as Juvederm and Restylane.
Although any of the many available commercial and non-commercial methods for isolating PRP could theoretically be used to obtain the PRP necessary to perform a Vampire Facelift, most media reports about the procedure to date have described using the Regen Lab system to generate the platelet rich plasma utilized.
As of April 2011, there are no scientific publications that describe the Vampire Facelift procedure or examine its efficacy. There are, however, three publications that report that PRP may be useful as a facial filler.
The Vampire Facelift costs around $1,000 and that doesn’t include the mace you’ll have to buy when the hyenas smell the blood on your mug and try to eat your face off.
There’s no way that Kim used her own blood, because she doesn’t have any blood. Kim had all of the blood lipoed from her veins years ago, because she thought all that blood made her look fat. Obviously, Kim used the blood of the virgins that Khloe Kardashian caught in the forest.
And no to all of this. The only vampire facial I want is one from Vampire Eric. Wait, I know that vampires cry blood, but do they cum blood too? Not that that’s a deal breaker or anything.