From The “Duh, Bitch” Files: Taylor Swift Is Terrified Of Being Alone

March 6, 2013 / Posted by:

Because Anne Hathaway is off taking an extended vacation at Hedonism in Jamaica with her true love Oscar and at least one insufferable twat needs to work our last nerve at all times, Taylor Swift is still talking to magazines about the dumb shit that fills her brain on a daily basis. In case you didn’t already know from the fact that Taylor Swift is a country mannequin robot who can’t function unless a barely legal white boy is holding her hand, she tells InStyle UK (via DM) that at the age of 23, she is terrified of dying alone. The humorless Precious Moments figurine got all melodramatic when she spit this out to InStyle:

“What I worry about is that I never want to end up kind of a self-centred, vain human being (Ed. note: TOO LATE, BITCH!). My fears circle around me making the wrong choices and messing this up for myself. I don’t wanna end up being awful and intolerable (Ed. note: see ed. note above). Alone. Laying in a marble bathtub by myself, like sad, with a glass of wine just complaining that my life ended up alone because I pushed everyone away because I thought I was too good to hang out with anybody. The typical Hollywood sad cliché of the poor lonely starlet with no one because she put up all these walls and didn’t trust anyone. That’s my fear. And that’s why I live my life the way I live my life because I’d so much rather feel everything than end up like that.”

If Taylor’s life nightmare does come true and she does push everybody in her life away (by shaming their asses in a song, of course), then she’ll have to push away a whole lot of people, because she says that she has at least 20 good girlfriends. She would.

“‘I’m a girls’ girl. I have guy friends but the problem with having guy friends is, like, I always get linked to them and they’ll end up in a slideshow of people I’ve apparently dated on the internet. I mean, there’s all kinds of complicated things with having guys as friends. If they have a girlfriend who doesn’t like you or things like that. So I have like two or three guy friends. A select few. But I have like 20-25 really good girlfriends.”

It takes me weeks upon weeks upon weeks to get together with just one good friend (and that’s after both of us have canceled a million times), so I’d probably be as nuts as Taylor Swift if I had to go through that 25 times over. I already have to keep up with my own life, my dog’s life, my family’s life, the lives of all the dumb bitches on all the reality shit shows I watch and I’d also have to keep up with the lives of my 25 good friends?! Sweet Brown ain’t got time for bronchitis and I ain’t got time to deal with 25 good friends.

This is why Taylor Swift and I will always live on separate universes. She’d rather be surrounded by 25 good girlfriends and I’d rather be lying in a marble bathtub (read: an acrylic shower/tub combo) by myself with a glass of wine (read: a plastic tumbler full of that boxed wine from Target) in my hand.

Taylor thinks that becoming a regular Norma Desmond is a bad thing and that sounds like a dream to me.

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