Bradley Cooper Doesn’t Want To Win An Oscar

March 4, 2013 / Posted by:

Bradley Cooper has joined Joaquin Phoenix and Ethan Hawke in the anti-Oscar club, but he has a different reason for why he thinks winning an Oscar is about as important as taking a dump. (FYI: Taking a dump is way more important than winning an Oscar, because you could die if stop taking a dump, but you won’t die if you don’t win an Oscar. Unless, you’re name is Anne Hathaway, because she totally would’ve died if she didn’t win that Oscar.)

When I read the headline, “Bradley Cooper Doesn’t Want An Oscar,” I figured that he was going to say that he already has enough gold-plated dildos at home and he doesn’t need another one. But B. Coop tells GQ UK (via Metro) that watching his father die made him realize that winning an Oscar means nothing. Yeah, way to take us to Sad Street, B.Coop. B. Coop hurt Anne Hathaway’s Oscar-loving emotions when he said this:

“Death became very real. And very tangible. Because my father – someone who had been in my life for 36 years is just fucking gone. I watched him dying and I was there by his bed watching him, breathing with him, and then I saw his last breath and he was gone. I experienced the whole thing. And that was a watershed moment that I was privileged to experience. And it changed everything. Nothing has ever been the same since.

You know William Blake’s Songs Of Innocence? Well, right there, in that moment, the innocence was gone. Done. Never to return. The beauty is that I just don’t sweat shit any more.

My father gave me two gifts – having me and dying with me. I used to be the kid that got the shakes if I had to talk in public; now, I just don’t get nervous about stuff. I can’t control everything. I watched my father die and I realised that is the way we are all going to die. For me, it was a switch from knowing something intellectually to knowing it by tangibly experiencing it. It rewired my neurological system. It almost did the opposite of motivating me. It was about keeping the main thing the main thing.

I don’t want to win an Oscar. It would change nothing. Nothing. The things in my life that aren’t fulfilled would not be fulfilled. Career-wise, right now, it’s better that I don’t win one. I don’t want to win. I don’t.”

B. Coop did this interview before the Oscars, so he probably knew he had zero chance at winning and he might as well spit on the Oscars, because #YOLO. I totally picture a shirtless, sweaty B. Coop sitting in a dark corner and saying to himself “I don’t want to win. I don’t. I don’t want an Oscar. I don’t want one” while punching a picture of Daniel Day-Lewis holding an Oscar.

B. Coop is telling the truth though. Winning an Oscar means nothing. It’s not like winning one gets you special privileges in heaven. (Cut to decades from now when all of us are eating cloud slop with the other simpletons in heaven’s mess hall as Anne Hathaway eats prime cut cloud meat in the VIP Oscar winners only section.)

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