Seen her in Dublin telling the paps about the first time he gazed deep up into Lindsay Lohan’s black hole of cooch, Charlie Sheen is telling TMZ that he wants to be LiLo’s permanent Captain-Save-A-Ho and he thinks he’d be the perfect mentor. Yeah, I don’t know if Charlie wants to be her actual mentor or if he’s confusing the meaning of “mentor” with the meaning of “pimp” again. If it’s the latter, he’ll have to win LiLo by pimp fighting White Oprah near the dumpsters in back of the T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island.
Charlie has already bailed a ho out by giving LiLo $100,000 to pay her taxes and he gave her a guest spot on his show Anger Management, and now he’s telling TMZ that he wants to help that freckled vodka stain full-time. LiLo’s cracked out knight in aluminum foil armor shat out these words to TMZ about helping out a fellow fuck-up:
“I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she’ll win. If she doesn’t, that’s on her.”
I love her, I respect her, and I’ve never laid a finger on her that wasn’t on film. How ya like me now, America?”
Never laid a finger on her? That bandaged thumb tells me otherwise, because any finger that touches LiLo’s crotch gets burned. And that whole line translates into, “Well, she sucked me off once, so technically I am telling the truth. No fingers were involved.”
LiLo should take him up on his offer, because why the hell not? Spending at least 5 minutes with LiLo’s annoying ass will make Charlie snort up every line of coke in the L.A. area and he’ll pass out. Then while he’s knocked out, LiLo can get into his computer and wire everything in his checking account to her account on the Caymans. It’ll be her greatest heist yet.
But really, you know you’ve found the rock bottom of rock bottom when Charlie Sheen thinks he can help you to be a responsible and sober person.
And here’s Charlie, his stack of foreskin chins and his piece of the moment Georgia Jones in his Dublin, Ireland last night.