A Judge Calls Lindsay Lohan's Lawyer An Unfit Buffoon
I guess that lucky rabbit foot lost all of its magic, because Lindsay Lohan's tiny lawyer got dragged across the court room this morning by a judge who told him in so many words that he's way too dumb in the brains to be a lawyer. Judge James Dabney told Mark Heller that he's totally incompetent (like client, like lawyer) and that LiLo either needs to get herself a competent California lawyer or she needs to come to court and declare that she's okay with a dumb fuck representing her. Oh, Judge James Dabney, I think I'm in love with you.
Both Radar and TMZ say that during the hearing today, Mark Heller filed several motions including asking the court to postpone LiLo's trial, because she's fragile or some shit and deserves "mercy and compassion." Judge Dabney shat on all of Mark Heller's motions before throwing them out of court. Judge Dabney said the legal documents that Mark Heller filed were totally screwed up and read like they were written by a cracked out, half brain-dead pigeon (Side note: Did Mark Heller give LiLo a part-time job as his legal secretary?). Judge Dabney said that it's obvious that Mark Heller knows nothing about criminal law and he shouldn't be handling LiLo's case. Judge Dabney continued to slap down the real life Barry Zuckerkorn by saying:
“Somebody needs to come in to assist you who has SOME experience in California law for procedure or Miss Lohan is going to have to come in here and waive her right to have attorneys who are competent in California law and procedure to go forward. [The motions filed were] lacking in conformity to California law and procedure….I am somewhat concerned that you have sufficient guidance in criminal procedure in California.”
Since LiLo turned down the prosecution's plea deal, she's going to trial on March 18th and who knows if Mark Heller will be there.
The press conference that Mark Heller held afterward was even more of a mess. Mark Heller is a natural born comedian and he needs to teach LiLo how to really entertain people, because he quoted Ben Affleck's Oscar speech, said he didn't think that the judge was calling him "incompetent" and then said that she's not addicted to drugs or booze. Bitch delivered punchline after punchline.
I hope that LiLo does the right thing by not firing Mark Heller, because that silly legal troll is a gift to comedy. I will always trust a lawyer who carries a fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and quotes Ben Affleck.
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That bulge is just his rabbit-fur-lined LV codpiece. He says it brings him luck. He also just enjoys having his balls cupped in court.
Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:49pm.
THE NEW BOWIE ALBUM IS OUT AND THE WHOLE ALBUM IS ON YT.
I'm just listening to the first song now.
It's better than that second single anyway. As you know I LOVE my man Bowie but that second single was awful. The video was cool though.
I'M in HEAVEN!!!
~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~
So excited, I pre-ordered it on itunes months ago!
Please, Dr Freud, help us out. We desperately need to see Casper [the Friendly Ghost] fuck his mother! --- Cinema Snob
Submitted by loopygorilla on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 11:42pm.
...and white oprah is in the next room, ordering room service "yeh hello? listen, i want the lobster.. no not half, the WHOLE lobster.. yes thats right, mama just got paid today! ma hardest working bitch is in the next room"
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And, somewhere in the distance, you can hear the sound of Shawn Holley laughing her ass off.
I hope, if this thing goes to trial, that the prosecutor doesn't pussyfoot around & goes for the throat. Whorehan needs serious jail time, not some "you're in, now you're released" 41 minute paris hilton special treatment. She needs months in jail, mixed in with all the general population girls who will beat her down daily & steal her shit. She's such an arrogant entitled cunt that being exposed to a horrifying jail experience & scared straight is the only thing that will reach into her bubble of white oprah delusion...
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"Dammit, Pam, I've seen that, and now I can't unsee it. There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
Let's just continue to piss more taxpayer dollars down this neverending rat hole, because Blohan has a .000000000001% chance of redeeming herself and becoming a better person.
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A Lannister always pays his debts.
He looks like an extra from that Gotti movie that never happened.
I'm very superficial, I hate everything official.
This makes me squee. It's so hilarious and embarrassing. Seriously, and anything that embarrasses Hohan makes me happy. Finally, Blowhan has a lawyer who is as big a joke as she is. This is better than Liz & Dick.
Please, Dr Freud, help us out. We desperately need to see Casper [the Friendly Ghost] fuck his mother! --- Cinema Snob
Only Lindsay Lohan could take a lawyer holding a fucking Louis Vuitton briefcase seriously...
this is all a delaying tactic, because if the judge sentences her to etc etc etc, she could appeal and say she wasnt afforded natural justice blah blah and demand for a retrial, waste everybody's time, waste more tax payers $$$ and continually stay in the spotlight and keeping her relevant.
"oohhh lindsay in trouble again"
and as long as she is relevant, she can suck off rich men in india like that married hotelier, who was fucking her until his wife decided to pay him a visit and he told lindsay to leave and she wouldnt.
and white oprah is in the next room, ordering room service "yeh hello? listen, i want the lobster.. no not half, the WHOLE lobster.. yes thats right, mama just got paid today! ma hardest working bitch is in the next room"
Wasn't it rich today when Old Man Lohan gets on the phone going on about how he'll wait outside the courthouse and pay for her local CA lawyer? Thought he never paid child support. So is this what he's using the money from the tell all book deal on,getting her a lawyer? Pretty poor scene when your nasty article of a father has to wait on the courthouse steps to see if you'll let him take a loan from your empty bank account to pay for your lawyer just so he can get a 5 minute spot chatting with the thirty mile zone.Doesn't he have a new baby to neglect?
He looks like the lawyer from Raising Hope.
I don't why she has a problem with lawyers anyway...I thought the market was flooded with lawyers. I'm sure she could get free help if she really needed to.
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If anyone is going to pee on him it's going to be me.- Nicole Kidman
Could this be an act so her case gets thrown out? mf.
For a quick second I thought this was Valentino only "fuger". Then I saw the Fuis Luitton briefcase... The Lohan Legal Chronicles of Narnia.
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•ღ♩♦≈❀♠♡░░░░
Dlisted is a finalist! http://2013.bloggi.es/ Voting closes March 17.
BWAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA!
:-D
Its great when the jokes write themselves, aint it MK?
Btw, that needs to be a tag--"The Jokes write Themselves"
And a ps btw--somebody give Judge Dabsnastic a TV show! Id totally watch that!
Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just LOVIN' this!--Mama.
Submitted by the original be... on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 7:49pm.
Tiger - I agree, but the IRS struck first. If anyone has a priority to seize and sell her (scabies-infested, vodka-drenched, smoke-infused) designer shit, it's them. L.A. had their (MANY) chances, gambled, and lost.
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Bitch ain't walkin' around nekkid yet. So, unless bitch starts sellin' her shit off and but FAST, it's up for grabs. It's not the criminal court's concern about her tax problems unless she's used all her 'assets' to pay them off. And I don't see bitch walkin' around in JCPenny gear. Now it's Lilo so they will bend over backwards for her and she will skate, BUT other than a roof over her head, food on her table and 'regular folk' clothes on her back, bitch can and should be required to retain an attorney until EVERY luxuty item she owns can be accounted for paying off the IRS. That won't happen because Charlie saved her ass by paying a lump sum. They will negotiate the rest with her. The IRS give the privileged every opportunity they can to pay up. CS bought her precious time.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by the original be... on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 7:49pm.
In most cases, the IRS only goes after the low-hanging fruit: real estate (she has none), wages (next to none), bank accounts... I think Linds is now living in a cash-only world, with a lot of questionable machinations to use that cash to prop up credit cards, etc.
That story in the NY club about giving her brother $10,000 in cash? I bet that was mostly true (except for the "school tuition" part).
Tiger - I agree, but the IRS struck first. If anyone has a priority to seize and sell her (scabies-infested, vodka-drenched, smoke-infused) designer shit, it's them. L.A. had their (MANY) chances, gambled, and lost.
Submitted by the original be... on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 7:20pm.
Twatty - If she doesn't have a bank account (seized by the IRS) and/or a viable source of income (job), she can claim poverty. Yes, we all know she works in a cash-based business (ho-in'), but there are no records for that.
I agree with you; it's an outrage. But it's possible.
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Bitch has things of value to sell, though. It's documented. Bitch has THOUSANDS if not TENS of THOUSANDS dollars worth of crap, stolen or not. She's on television talking about her hoarding of luxury items. Unless that's all gone, and she starts showing up to shit wearing Old Navy duds, no, just no. Bitch sell yo' shit and hire you a lawyer. A judge could tell her ass that too.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Twatty - If she doesn't have a bank account (seized by the IRS) and/or a viable source of income (job), she can claim poverty. Yes, we all know she works in a cash-based business (ho-in'), but there are no records for that.
I agree with you; it's an outrage. But it's possible.
She can also claim that her high$$$ outfits/shoes/bags are "gifts."
the original be -- but how can you claim poverty when you're photographed in Chanel outfits and Hermes bags and photographed walking out of high-end boutiques? Though she makes everything she wears look like crap, that shit costs BIG money. SMH!!!!!
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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"
"Two eyes, two eyebrows."
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:18pm.
Foxxy -- hey, babe!
For anyone who sees a bulge, that's probably his colostomy bag that's sticking out.
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SEXXY HWAT! What? What? You know you dlisted skank ass whores were oddly aroused by that too. Don't front. Don't even.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
chewin & Twatty - Yup, pro bono, for publicity.
All she has to do is claim poverty (they can research her claim after the fact) to get a court appointed attorney.
Sucks, doesn't it?
Submitted by LA me on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 5:02pm.
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HEY, I like Javier's! (But only if some else is paying)
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So does one of my best girlfriends. I seem to end up at that Javier's whenever it's her birthday. =)
trouble is a pro hac vice can take time (admitting a lawyer to practice from state to state, requires a letter from that state's bar, take the time for mailing, getting the certificate it can take upto a month)...all criminal lawyers in L.A. RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
LOVE IT...I work in criminal law in Los angeles and am dreading a call from this messed up skank...I think it is really just a matter of time now for her to finally pay the fucking piper....her best bet really was lock down rehab...because she may do more time than what she thinks she is going to do since she has pissed off so many lawyers and made them look like suckers...no 10% time for this asshat.
Submitted by No_Stop_Dont on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 4:11pm.
Oh man. That's bad. The judge went off on the record like that? Whoa! She should have removed him after his first failed court appearance and press conference. As someone else said, isn't she tired of all of this yet? How much public humiliation and embarrassment can one person this young take?
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To feel embarrassed you must have a sense of shame and she clearly doesn't. I honestly think her real problem is that she has a personality disorder and had she been raised by different parents she'd probably be a serial killer instead of a fame/literal whore.
Submitted by skinny fat on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 4:48pm.
OK, where do the Lohans get all their money from? None of them work yet they live the life and her father can now afford to play a 'decent' attorney to defend her?
☆☆☆☆
Michael Lohan may be a scumbag, but he probably has money. He was a Wall Street trader in his youth, and according to wikipedia, he was investigated for insider trading at one point. He probably has a shitload of assets stashed away just out of reach of the law.
And you ever notice that LiLo owns absolutely nothing? She mostly lives in hotels (often that someone else paid for), but when she does live in a real home, it's always a rental. Cars are always leased or belong to someone else. The IRS can't collect on back taxes, because she apparently doesn't own anything for them to attach.
Everything is probably all tied up in dummy corporations or something.
As much as I'd like to believe that Blohan has just blown through all of the millions she's earned in her career, I think it's more likely that most of her partying has been done on someone else's dime, via comps, theft, dumbasses like Sheen, and whoring money.
Submitted by Anonymousfckr on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 4:03pm.
what is that tag on the briefcase? did he steal it from the evidence vault?
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It's a lucky rabbit foot. Ha Ha. This guy is pure scum.. I'm not sure if anybody posted this about him yet:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/23/nyregion/23lawyer.html?pagewanted=all&...
Submitted by Trixster on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:32pm.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:21pm.
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Ahhh, another Sounty County person on the D? Very cool! Fashion Island's a good call, although not nearly as douchey as Three-33 or Javier's at Newport Coast.
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HEY, I like Javier's! (But only if some else is paying)
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Why some turds evade the whirlpool...god only knows. They are survivors. The fittest.
- Hysteria
Submitted by skinny fat on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 4:48pm.
OK, where do the Lohans get all their money from? None of them work yet they live the life and her father can now afford to play a 'decent' attorney to defend her? Is she paying in BJs or what? I just don't understand. I want to learn how to be a complete fuckup yet fly around and stay at the best hotels and shop in designer stores and get away with everything short of murder.
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Between Dina, Ali, LiLo, the dad and maybe some other family members that are not in the media...they probably have HUGE credit limits. I would guess that Dina and Lilo have maxed out but maybe they still have some bargaining chips left with the credit card people.
Like whomever Michael Lohan might find--and be able to afford--would do any better... Still, some third-year CA lawyer with experience at the DA's office would do better than Heller--and wouldn't charge that much.
Or--this is insane but I'll throw it out there anyway--Lindsay could cut a decent, realistic plea deal using Heller, do her community service and rehab, and go on with her sad, wasted life.
OK, where do the Lohans get all their money from? None of them work yet they live the life and her father can now afford to play a 'decent' attorney to defend her? Is she paying in BJs or what? I just don't understand. I want to learn how to be a complete fuckup yet fly around and stay at the best hotels and shop in designer stores and get away with everything short of murder.
PSL is right. Lieho now has the perfrct excuse to delay the trial. "Whaaaa! I can't find a CA attorney to
Help meeee!"
If found guilty, she'll have grounds for appeal. Botch will skate again,
M.E.: Congratulations! That's awesome.
One dipshit deserves another. Nice knowin' ya cokie.
Jose Baez also looked and sounded like an idiot without any knowledge of law whatsoever. And he got Casey Anthony freed for killing her baby.
Just saying.
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Jeg er norsk.
Submitted by vsminimoose on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:51pm.
Isn't Lindsay Lohan TIRED of all of this?
Anyone with one sane cell in their body would pick rehab (picked it years ago, actually) and/or a month in the slammer and just lesson-learned this bullshit. Just turn yourself in, plead guilty and own up. Instead she'd rather have a circus of cameras and be under the constant threat of trial dates.
What kind of life is that?
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The only times she has ever been "tired" have been when she was too "exhausted" to work. I think that's her problem, which leads to all her other problems. I seem to recall one of her rehabs, which she left early, claimed her problem wasn't drug or alcohol addiction.
Blohan never seems to feel any pressure, ever. She didn't feel any pressure to complete her original court-ordered classes, didn't feel compelled to show up for court dates, didn't mind her probation lasting 3X longer than it should have, she doesn't mind her court dates being continued and the threat of actual punishment hanging over her head, she doesn't feel any pressure to show up for work on time or even show up at all. She is immune to pressure.
ME, dont celebrate so soon! You dont want to curse it!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Oh man. That's bad. The judge went off on the record like that? Whoa! She should have removed him after his first failed court appearance and press conference. As someone else said, isn't she tired of all of this yet? How much public humiliation and embarrassment can one person this young take?
OFF TOPIC.
I did my taxes.
I'M RICH!
I am SO STOKED!!! I can get pay back my SIL, get my car fixed AND have a couple thousand still left over so a family trip to Hawaii might still be possible. HELL YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
*does cartwheel*
Anonymousfckr: it's his stupid rabbit's foot
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"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA
Sucky 12/19
"mess shirt collection?" *blinks*
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
I agree, Blohan is addicted to the drama as well as the blow/pills.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
what is that tag on the briefcase? did he steal it from the evidence vault?
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:56pm.
IG, I think I saw the Lohan mesh Shirt Collection for sale on ebay....
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REALLY!
*fires up 79 Trans Am, moves fuzzy dice, adjusts the mirror, pulls into traffic while winking still looking at self in mirror*
blohan lives for this shit! I bet she is already planing her outfit and make up for court day.
This doofus manages to make his designer briefcase look even dumber with the fucking rabbit's foot. I don't know why, but men carrying designer duffles, briefcases, etc with the label prominently displayed looks tacky as shit to me.
Submitted by islandgirl on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:53pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 3:51pm.
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I don't know IG it can't be good to be known for incompetence, I'm not sure where the payoff would be.
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Oops, I thought we were talking about incontinence. :)
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Well come on now we ALL know that comes in handy once in a while. Want to get out of a bad date, just look her right in the eye and empty your bladder without blinking then point to the depends tattoo on your neck, I'm pretty sure she'll be calling that one early, if not you're in for one hell of a kinky night!
I apologize if this comparison was already made - I know that you guys think that he's as incompetent as Lionel Hutz and he looks rather ape-like in the face, so he reminds me of the caveman lawyer from SNL ( played by Phil Hartman, who also voiced Lionel...I believe?).
Submitted by vsminimoose: "Isn't Lindsay Lohan TIRED of all of this?...What kind of life is that?"
It looks exhausting. The constant drama and histrionics and anger and flight. I don't understand it. But some people thrive on that shit.