This morning, ABC announced the names of the bright shiny has-beens who will pop their pussies for their 16th minute on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. I only squinted my eyes (like Giggy above) and whispered out a “Harpo, who dis woman?” when I read the names Victor Ortiz and Jacoby Jones (the sports dudes, of course). I recognized 9 out of the 11 names. That’s not bad. But then again my brain is a pop culture trash heap covered with seagull shit and if the new cast of DWTS was full of sitcom stars from the 80s, I’d recognize every single name on there. So let’s see how your ass does. Here’s the entire cast with their partners and count the number of question marks your brain gives birth to while reading this list. GO!
Victor Ortiz (professional boxer ) and newcomer Lindsay Arnold
Kellie Pickler (calamari expert) and real-life twirling Ken Doll Derek Hough
Wynonna Judd (country beauty) and Tony Dovolani
Ingo Rademacher (Jax from General Hospital) and Kym Johnson
Zendaya Coleman (Disney girl) and Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Andy Dick (MESS with a capital MESS) and Sharna Burgess
Lisa Vanderpump (Giggy’s mom) with newcomer Gleb Savchenko
Aly Raisman (Olympic gymnast) with Mark Ballas
Dorothy Hamill (hair icon) with Tristan MacManus
D.L. Hughley (comedian) with Mop Head
Jacoby Jones (NFL player) with Karina Smirnoff
Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Anna Trebunskaya, Chelsie Hightower and Louis Van Amstel are all out this season and Maks is acting like he’s never coming back. I hope this means that Maks is going to quit ballroom dancing to focus on his true calling, gay porn.
There’s only two reasons to watch the new season of Dancing with the Whos. The first reason is to see what Giggy is wearing. The second reason is to see Andy Dick being a mess. I will be severely disappointed in Andy if he doesn’t piss on the floor and flash a dude in the front row during his first dance. I also hope he shows up as Kathy Griffin’s twin Daphne Aguilera at least once.