Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during “All That Jazz,” she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I’m pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.
After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest’s jealousy showing, because he’s just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don’t even care that CZJ’s face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.
And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don’t like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump’s head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.