Today’s front page headline on The Los Angeles Times isn’t “Kodak Theater Burned To The Ground After Anne Hathaway Loses To Sally Field,” which means that Anne Hathaway FINALLY won the thing she’s been hustling to get her hands around for months. After working the stroll like the mafia was holding her entire family hostage and the lives of a million kittens depended on her, Anne won Best Supporting Actress last night. Right after Anne won, I’m sure the first thing she did was scratch the word “Supporting” off her trophy, because you know she thinks she carried that whole damn movie and she did it while only eating dried oatmeal skid marks for nourishment. You’re welcome, Hugh Jackman!
Anne’s speech wasn’t as nerve-killing as her other speeches were, but that’s probably because I changed the channel to QVC as soon as her name was announced. No, Anne probably toned it down, because the producers told her that they didn’t want to be hit with a class action lawsuit from the millions of people who sprained their eye muscles while rolling their eyeballs during her speech. Most of us bitches in the comments were hoping for Anne to go over and instead of being played off by the Jaws theme song, we were hoping for a trap door to open and for her to fall into a pool full of actual sharks.
At the end of Anne’s speech, she told a bona fide lie when she thanked her Dollar Tree Ryan Gosling of a husband and said, “My husband, by far and away the greatest moment of my life is the one when you walked into it. I love you so much. Here’s hoping someday in the not-too-distant future the misfortunes of Fantine will be only found in fiction and not in real life.”
Change “my husband” to “my Oscar” and then ho would’ve been telling the truth. This morning, Anne’s husband woke up and found a Dear John letter on the pillow next to him. Anne’s going to divorce his ass, marry Oscar in a quickie Las Vegas wedding and move to a farm in Vermont where they’ll have a dozen tiny little Oscar babies together. Anne is finally with the dude of her wet dreams, OSCAH!
Here’s more of Anne, her future husband Oscar and her paper cone titties last night.