I Guess Anne Hathaway Won’t Be Wearing Manolos To The Oscars

February 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Kunty Karl isn’t the only designer who will look a basic bitch up and down and dismiss her with one hand while delicately fanning his beauty with the other. Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik, seen above dressed like a dainty ring bearer at an Easter time wedding, can’t be bothered with the likes of such simple mice girls like Annanda Hathafried or Amme Seythaway, or whatever their names are, because he’s way too busy worshiping at the feet of real screen goddesses like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle. Random, I know. Manolo is obsessed with Twin Peaks and while talking to Interview Magazine (via P6), he said that they just don’t make ’em like Lara Flynn Boyle anymore. (Shhh cállate, nobody tell Manolo what Lara Flynn Boyle did to her face.)

Manolo pulled a “Harpo, who dis woman?” on Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried while declaring his undying love for the beauties of Twin Peaks. Shade on, shady queen, shade on:

Well, last time, I had this, what do you call it? What is it called, this, this thing here? [Blahnik’s hands circle over the right side of his torso] Forget about it. I forget about the diseases that I have. I don’t want to know. But anyway, so I have this thing here, and when I went to this award at the Savoy, I was 40 degrees [centigrade] in temperature, and I said to people, “Please forgive me that I’m out of it.” And I was waiting to be photographed. And I almost fainted on that girl, the tiny woman from France, no, from Mexico . . . Salma Hayek. But she’s a sweet girl, beautiful. I love that. This is what I really love: Where are those girls? I was looking the other day, Lara Flynn Boyle in Twin Peaks and that other girl Sherilyn Fenn—they’re old-school girls like Elizabeth Taylor, and I think that’s so fabulous. David Lynch is démodé now, if you look at his films. I looked at them the other weekend. I said, “I’m going to stay in bed, I can’t take anymore.” And so I watched the whole series of Twin Peaks. I was in heaven. And I realized how bad it is.

And then Manolo starts rambling about some other movie before he gets back to slobbering over Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle:

Then I saw these girls like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle that should be working now instead of these anonymous girls. They’re all the same. I don’t even know Amanda Seyfried or whatever—they’re all the same! I try to remember—the only one I remember is Julia Roberts because she’s particular. Anne Hathaway . . . Pretty? Yes. Wonderful actress? Yes. But, I mean, I don’t even remember her. What is it about her?

…..I’m not saying she’s not beautiful or a great actress. I just don’t remember her.

Manolo must not go on the Internet and the one TV he owns must only play one channel (The Twin Peaks Channel), because how can you not remember Anne Hathaway? Every time you open your laptop and turn on your TV, her TEEFS are hitting in the eyes. She’s everywhere!

And Manolo made a huge mistake by admitting that he thinks Anne Hathaway is forgettable. Anne Hathaway wants everyone to remember her forever! Anne is going to break into Manolo’s fan room and replace all his fans with fans made from her head shots. Anne is going to replace his Twin Peaks box set with The Anne Hathaway Box Set (available in stores the day after the Oscars!). Anne is going to replace the velvet painting of Sherilyn Fenn over his bed with a velvet painting of Anne Hathaway.

Anne Hathaway will not be forgotten!!!!

And when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, she’ll look into the camera and say, “Guess you’ll remember me now, you dusty old queen!” *mic drop* But sadly for Anne, Manolo won’t be watching. He’s going to watch Boxing Helena instead.

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