Duchess Kate Went Back To Work Today

February 19, 2013 / Posted by:

After suffering from the stage 4 pregnant barfs and frolicking in the ocean in Mustique, Duchess Kate stamped her time card and went back to work by visiting Hope House, an addiction recovery center, in London today. And by “work” I mean she waved at people, held flowers, smiled at a little girl and put on a serious face when she watched OTHER people do actual work (see: picture above). So basically, Duchess Kate is like Mr. Rogers, but I don’t think she talks or sings and she doesn’t look as hot in a cardigan as he did. But I’m pretty sure all of her best friends are animal puppets.

Millions of paps were outside of Hope House this morning, because they all wanted to get a hi-res, close-up shot of the most important thing in the entire world right now: the skin dome covering the 4-month-old fetus royale. Duchess Kate shook a few hands, held her bump, watched one of her subjects make food, listened to a few speeches and then she got back in her horse drawn carriage which took her to her crystal palace where she took a nap on a thousand down-filled satin pillows as her maids fanned her with feathers. Being a princess is hard.

And if you haven’t already, spend some time with author Hilary Mantel’s piece about the royal family and how they picked Duchess Kate to be their next princess because she’s a Stepford robot who’s perfect for breeding. The Daily Mail is freaking out about it and it’s only a matter of time before THE QUEEN challenges Hilary to a shank fight behind Buckingham Palace. Here’s a few slices from it it:

I chose Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, and I chose to give her a book published in 2006, by the cultural historian Caroline Weber; it’s called Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution. It’s not that I think we’re heading for a revolution. It’s rather that I saw Kate becoming a jointed doll on which certain rags are hung. In those days she was a shop-window mannequin, with no personality of her own, entirely defined by what she wore. These days she is a mother-to-be, and draped in another set of threadbare attributions. Once she gets over being sick, the press will find that she is radiant. They will find that this young woman’s life until now was nothing, her only point and purpose being to give birth.

Antoinette as a royal consort was a gliding, smiling disaster, much like Diana in another time and another country. But Kate Middleton, as she was, appeared to have been designed by a committee and built by craftsmen, with a perfect plastic smile and the spindles of her limbs hand-turned and gloss-varnished. When it was announced that Diana was to join the royal family, the Duke of Edinburgh is said to have given her his approval because she would ‘breed in some height’. Presumably Kate was designed to breed in some manners. She looks like a nicely brought up young lady, with ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ part of her vocabulary. But in her first official portrait by Paul Emsley, unveiled in January, her eyes are dead and she wears the strained smile of a woman who really wants to tell the painter to bugger off…..

Kate seems to have been selected for her role of princess because she was irreproachable: as painfully thin as anyone could wish, without quirks, without oddities, without the risk of the emergence of character. She appears precision-made, machine-made, so different from Diana whose human awkwardness and emotional incontinence showed in her every gesture.

“Designed by craftsmen, machine-made, a shop-window mannequin, no personality…..” Who knew that the British Royal family and Scientology look for the exact same things when picking out a robot bride for their golden son?

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