SamRo’s Mother Tells Us Something We Already Knew

February 17, 2013 / Posted by:

“Lindsay Lohan is psychotic” replaced “water is wet” as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson’s British socialite of a mother Ann Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.

The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tells The Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn’t a euphemism for pussy bumpin’. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn’t going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.

“Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.

I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home.”

This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn’t screaming, because she’s so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter’s old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.

This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:

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