Beyonce Calls Blue Ivy Carter Her Best Friend (Cut To Gwyneth Paltrow Crying Out Tears Of Rejection Into Her Bedroom Bathtub)
Beyonce, the only woman who has ever given birth to a baby on this planet, talks to Vogue (via DM) about giving birth to a baby, being a woman, making a baby, being a sexual woman and being a sensual being who just had a human baby. But just when I was about to roll my eyes all the way to the left (to the left), Beyonce got a slow clap from me when she subtly burned GOOPY Paltrow by calling Blue Ivy Carter her bestest best fwend in the world. Our thoughts and prayers should be with GOOPY's maids today, because those poor bitches have to stick an enema full of pink dolphin sweat into her cold, pasty ass since the only way she can get rid of her hurt feelings is to shit them out. Shit out those hurt feelings, GOOP!
If you need to hear about Beyonce, the only entertainer in the world, going on and on about giving birth and being a woman, here you go:
On giving birth: "I felt very maternal around eight months, and I thought I couldn’t bond any more until I saw the baby. But it happened during my labor because I had a very strong connection with my child. I felt like when I was having contractions, I envisioned my child pushing through a very heavy door. Everything that scared me just was not present in that room. So for me to really let go and really appreciate every contraction . . . it was the best day of my life."
On how she bought a broken heart BFF necklace set for her and Blue Ivy Carter: "She is my road dog, my homey, my best friend."
On how she communicated to Blue Ivy Carter through vagina thrusts: "And I imagined this tiny infant doing all the work, so I couldn’t think about my own pain. We were talking. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt a communication."
On her after-birth body: "Right now, after giving birth, I really understand the power of my body. I just feel my body means something completely different. I feel a lot more confident about it. Even being heavier, thinner, whatever. I feel a lot more like a woman. More feminine, more sensual. And no shame. I don’t feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I’m an adult. I’m grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That’s why I’ve worked hard."
And when Vogue asked GOOPY (aka Beyonce's back-up best friend) about Beyonce, she said that she once watched Beyonce work in the studio while holding Blue Ivy Carter and it made her think to herself, "This is how you do it. You do what you love with who you love included." GOOPY went on to say, "It also made me want to Skype Apple at her boarding school in Switzerland, but then I remembered that I had an $800 cashmere and panda placenta t-shirt to design for GOOP!"
It makes sense that Blue Ivy Carter is Beyonce's best friend. I mean, when they hang out, Beyonce can talk about all things Beyonce and show BIC pictures of Beyonce and BIC can't say shit! It's the perfect friendship!
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Suuuuure. I love my kid, but giving birth to her was the worst f'ing day of my life.
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2 for the price of 3!
I've had five kids...and let me just say this is all bullsh!t..when i was a birthin', my only concerns were: not pooping myself in front of my hubby, not popping a forehead blood vessel from pushing, and not having my crotch being stretched to such enormous porportions that the hub would no longer go there.
The kife that comes out of that region is enough to make a horror movie, even with the fifth, the hub got squeamish and did the body shudder. Beautiful my ass!! A woman is put down to primal instinct..the one birth i had with no epidural..i was on my hands and knees swearing at my hubby, thinking i was going to puke with each contraction. This chick better get off her high fricking horse.
P.S. did she not start off saying she had a c-section, but changed it to vaginal, probably knowing people would be looking for the scar.
Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 11:43am.
I've said it before, she still isn't saying anything tangible and non-bullshitty for me to believe that she actually birthed a kid. It's like she's taken other celebrity quotes, added her own layer of bullshit sprinkles on top & is vomiting it up to a reporter. Doesn't she have any PR people in her life to take her aside & give her some tips on how to make it sound believable? Did she ask Solange what childbirth was like? I've never given birth & I can tell that her 'details' are shit.
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Exactly. It all reads like frou-frou cryptic tripe. She has yet to say anything involving explicit details about the childbirth, it's all just "sensual descriptions." It's like someone trying to answer questions on a philosophy or English exam when they didn't actually read the material--just bullshitting.
I like that smiling photo (ignoring the unfortunate illusion of a huge bulge down below) and the one in the red dress lying down.
Submitted by loopygorilla on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 9:35pm.
NO WAY! anna wintour put a black woman on the cover of vogue?! oh wait.. look they bleached her skin and covered her with so much makeup and foundation, she doesn't look that dark anymore.
Ha! Like when they put Rihanna on the cover and gave her a platinum blonde wig and shot the photos in the broadest brightest daylight, and then went over the photos with "white lady" Photoshop mouske-tool, and then to cleanse our palates of any shred of blackness they also gave us 5,000 photos of Karlie Kloss inside the magazine.
Submitted by saltydog on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 1:50pm.
Just once I'd like a celebrity mom to say, "I'm so happy to have the baby and that she is healthy, but man being in labor and the delivery suck, it was worth it but is really hurt"
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Not a fan of hers but at least Megan Fox was truthful about it.
http://blog.sfgate.com/dailydish/2012/12/12/megan-fox-begged-for-epidura...
She had a C-section didn't she? Why the hell is she talking bout pushing the baby out? She's not being consistent with her lies.
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"Vi veri veniversum vivus vici. By the power of truth, I while living have conquered the universe"
"Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 2:20pm.
Submitted by Doll-Parts on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 2:17pm.
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 11:57am.
Submitted by zey on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 11:51am.
it's a term that Black people use to describe their best friend who travels around with them. been around since at least the 70s "
Never heard that term before! Maybe it never made it to the blacks of rural Ohio?
*"I got 99 problems, being a bitch ain't one!"*
-Courtney Love @ Sundance 2013
I'm sick of famous broads talking in magazines about motherhood like they are the first to ever give birth---news flash---women have been giving birth since the beginning of time. That's still the main way people get here. JBlow did this crap too. All these dumb interviews are the same.
I doubt Beyonce has bonded with this baby and you can tell by her words. I don't think she has any intentions upon bonding with that baby. I'm sure she never even wanted BIC. I feel sorry for that baby having such a kook of mother. No, I take that back. I don't feel sorry for the little brat. She's already insanely rich and spoiled. Beyonce is also starting to look really stale with that ratty weave. She really looked stale at the Super Bowl. I'm so ready for this chicken head to retire.
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Q:"If you wanted to buy a Sam Cooke album where would you go? A: The wrecka stoe
Beyonce is so full of it. She is turning out to be very tacky. Where's the woman who used to protect her privacy?
"So for me to really let go and really appreciate every contraction . . . it was the best day of my life."
Oh, please. This bitch obviously didn't birth that baby. Quit lying to us and being smug, for fuck's sake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbTB3ASkdOo
NO WAY! anna wintour put a black woman on the cover of vogue?! oh wait.. look they bleached her skin and covered her with so much makeup and foundation, she doesn't look that dark anymore.
phewww and i thought anna wintour has lost touch with the lalalala land she lives in.
My road dog? Wait, what?
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Lucifer_Sam: "Do you EVER post anything worthwhile on this site? Do you EVER have a point to make?" In case anyone else was wondering, the answer is "No."
Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 6:58pm.
My first thought upon seeing this cover: they should've chosen Kerry Washington.
I was just so pissed when I saw Rooney Mara on the February cover.
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The choices Vogue has been making lately are sucktastic. That was Rooney's second cover and it was ridiculous-she's not even that famous or accomplished yet. Now we get this Bey cover. I wish Vogue would just go back to models on their covers. And yes, Kerry would have made a great cover. Shit, the Rooney issue had a one pager of Basement Baby and the Baby would make a better cover than her sister imho.
Submitted by Libra on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 4:37pm.
It took my mother to coach me in bonding with my baby. It didn't just happen, i loved her immensely, but when I held her for the first time (which was almost 10 hours after she was born), I was like 'now what'?
Pers
I suspect this is more comm
Once she said she appreciated every contraction, I knew for sure she was lie tellling. Maybe I'm a bitchtastic mama, but after almost 24 hours of labor (induced, no less) that FINALLY ended in a C-section, what I appreciated was that shit was O-V-E-R! My contractions started out manageable, but when hour 13 rolled around, all bets were off. I was ready to shank a bitch.
Maybe her labor wasn't long. I just think she's trying to make people think she is profound. Note: You are not profound, nor did you do anything more spectacular than billions of other women have done since the dawn of time--and most of them without private birthing suites and a team of the best doctors money can buy. Also, your child is your child, not your bff for life.
It looks like the photoshopped Angelina's lips onto her mouth.
PushyBroad, YES! Kelly Rowland looked great so I was loving every minute of it! (JLo also got shit for her dress! : D)
Oh and Joan has often said shit about others fashion or hair choices then Kelly jumps in and points to herself, and Joan quickly says "oh but that looks good on you. You can pull it off!" I totally have to roll my eyes every time. Pffft.
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I like to smile, smiling's my favorite! : )
The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
WinterOwl, she did almost get voted Worse dressed.
and her sister? was voted best dressed.
Hi Twatty. You and I both agree about that Rancid woman. She just bugs me. Kelly Osborne as well. Her purple wig on anyone else would have been panned by Joan IMO. I like the guy. He's cute.
My first thought upon seeing this cover: they should've chosen Kerry Washington.
I was just so pissed when I saw Rooney Mara on the February cover.
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I like to smile, smiling's my favorite! : )
The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
Submitted by Marybel on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 6:55pm.
Translation: Someone else had this kid. Someone else(s) take care of it. She's an idiot.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think I lurves you.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Translation: Someone else had this kid. Someone else(s) take care of it. She's an idiot.
Since her last album tanked and she hasn't performed on tv as much in the last year, I don't mind hearing from her right now. Especially since everything she's been doing lately has been panned (Fashion Police didn't like her Grammy outfit and almost voted her worst dressed)! I rather hear less about Rihanna and Taylor and Kum Shitrashian.
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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
Submitted by KG on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 12:34pm.
She is such a pageant queen. To me, everything that comes out of her mouth is canned and rehearsed. There is nothing organic or spontaneous about her.
I think that's what bothers me the most about her. She seems hollow inside, not real.
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No escapin' when I start
Once I'm in, I own your heart.
I am BeYawnced out! I am bored of the over exposure!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
1. name 10 beatles songs
2. name 10 stones songs
3. name 2 beyonce songs
EGG XACLTY.
"Just look at all the fucks I give!"
Looks like they borrowed the lower half of that face from Whitney Houston. And she has a new nose now, too.
There's fuckery afoot.
Again.
Submitted by A__________Z on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 3:54pm.
BIC IS her best friend!! Did you hear her speak on the HBO special? She couldn't get a GED!
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Lmao! So true.
This bitch is the oldest looking 31 year old I've ever seen.
They fixed her nose for the magazine cover, it loked like it was gonna fall off during the superbowl.
She is now advertising L'oreal hair color, imagine a bitch who wears a wig/weave advertising hair color.
Fraud on every level. She is giving madge a run in the stakes in looking like She Hulk.
Yeah. Until her surrogate queefs out the next baby.
Love,
Mabel
Submitted by citizenstrange on Tue, 02/12/2013 - 3:19pm.
My wife is my best friend.
--- edit ---
She was standing behind me looking over my shoulder intimidating me when I typed that.
/coughing up a lung from laughing
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
So BeyBey Girl has reptilian scales on her tits and ass.
How lovely.
I absolutely hate women who talk about childbirth like it's f---ing rainbows and sh-t... IT'S NOT!!!
It's awkward and unpleasant and contrary to popular belief, most women don't bond with their child immediately!
It took me a couple of days sure enough and i don't ever pretend that giving birth was THE most special thing in my life and neither do i think that I'm a "complete" woman now just because of that!!!
Anybody who says things like these is BULLSH--TING !!!
I totally stand by this.
Submitted by citizenstrange: "My wife is my best friend.
--- edit ---
She was standing behind me looking over my shoulder intimidating me when I typed that."
This made me LOL.
Given that peeyonce is still spewing out pathetic lies about giving birth (pillow baby much?), it makes sense that a baby who can't talk yet is her "best friend"; no one with a fully functioning brain thinks much of her. That kid is going to need 50 years of therapy thanks to this insufferable cunt; it's fucked up on top of fucked up...
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"Dammit, Pam, I've seen that, and now I can't unsee it. There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
I wept with relief when the epidural kicked in during my first labor. I truly, truly thought I was going to die from the pain. I'm a mete mortal, though.
Sarah Smile
BIC IS her best friend!! Did you hear her speak on the HBO special? She couldn't get a GED! This poor ignorant excuse for a human probably believe she did give birth. I thought everyone agreed BIC is JZ's love child with we don't yet know who. There's the real story. She is an embarrassment to women, and children.
I wanna slap this bitch! Beyoutch is bringing out my inner Chris Brown! AUUUHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
She feels like a real woman now that she puffed out her pillow. What, having periods and getting jabbed by Joe Camel's eensy peesny pee-pee was just girlhood?
MK, you have given us enough of Beeyoutch this month to last each Dlister 20 lifetimes--how about giving us a Beyoutch free March. I am sick of hearing about this overexposed twat, her pillow, her camel, and even Basement Baby. So much so I'm.missing the Blohans!!!
Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just LOVIN' this!--Mama.
My wife is my best friend.
--- edit ---
She was standing behind me looking over my shoulder intimidating me when I typed that.
I LOATHE this arrogant cunt. Rules the World my ASS. Her ego is about as large as the lie she perpetuates EVERY fucking chance she GETS bout "giving birth". It's beyond delusional, she gave birth to a fucking PILLOW. Her and Lady Caca and BOTH of their supersize egos belong on some questionable Russian airline and NEVER to be see or heard from again!!! Is that askin too much? LOL
And for why did they Photoshop OUT her right boob? Her feckin BOOB is missing.
The two thoughts going through my head while giving birth naturally (no time for epidural):
1. "So, this is what 'Horror' means."
2. "Women DIE doing this!"
She can bite my left one (Goop too. Sorry Whamo, her inner ugliness destroys any physical beauty). The only thing she gave birth to was an over-inflated ego.
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"Not judging or being gossipy on Dlisted is like when I go to a hotel with a bag of dildos and I get stoned and wind up using the bed to watch Judge Judy and that's it." -- SFRBully, 1/24/2013
And WTF is with this "RULES THE WORLD" Shiite?!
I know it's just stupid, hyperbolic Vogue copy, but GROSS! She does NOT rule the world. That's just horrifying. What a message for young women. "Be like Beyonce?" She rules the world of hype, spin, domination in promotion and brand and selling and on and on and on but she does NOT "Rule" anything CLOSE to The World. Stupid, kiss-ass Vogue editors.
Take someone with truckloads of talent ... Like phoebe snow. (Rip) she gave actual birth to an actual child who had actual complications and gave up a career at its peak to be with her daughter, who pre-deceased her. She wasn't cosmetics-company beautiful. But she sang like an absolute angel. Beyonce's music has no soul whatsoever.
I like how they tried to make her look skinny and shit. Beyonce does not have those hollow cheekbones or protruding ribs. Which is fine, but stop photo shopping protruding ribs and bones where they're ain't none!
And stop making up shit about your fake childbirth, ho. Just a bunch of cliches, not a ring of truth to them.
This is a whole lotta bullshit all in one place.
And yeah, who the fuck refers to her child as her "homey"???
But is one-year-old Blue Ivy an AMAZING WOMAN?