Let me try to put this as eloquent as possible:
FOR WHY?????!!!!?? MY EYES! MY SOUL! IT BURNS! WHY?!!!!!!
On Saturday, I went to see the optometrist and I thought it was going to be a regular appointment. You know, she’d check my eyes, tell me I’m as blind as always and then kick me out after I ask her if I could stick my ass against the glaucoma testing machine for a few minutes. But I didn’t get to ask her about sticking my ass against the glaucoma testing machine, because she pulled up some pictures they took of my eyeballs and told me that it looks like my retina is detaching from eyeball and I have to go to a specialist. Just minutes before I went to the eye doctor, I watched Courtney Stodden’s video. Coincidence?! NO! We finally have scientific proof that the sight of Courtney Stodden tears retinas! My eye doctor should’ve told me to stay away from all images of Courtney Stodden until further notice, because I don’t think my eyes will ever be the same after seeing these pictures of the porn iguana kissing her daddy on the red carpet. If my retina didn’t already detach from my eye, it did now!
Courtney’s creepy husband Doug Hutchison, her dad Alex Stodden and her pimp mom Krista Stodden all came out to celebrate the premiere of her music video at some club in L.A. last night. Surprisingly, the creepiest moment of the night wasn’t when Courtney sucked on Doug’s serial killer dough face while hugging a stripper pole. The creepiest moment of the night was when Alex Stodden spanked his daughter and then kissed her. They’re like the Tales from the Crypt version of Jessica Simpson and Papa Joe. And it looks like when Daddy Alex gets really excited, his chins expand.
If it turns out that Daddy Alex is a closeted pastor who is really into twinks, I’m done. I’m done.