But Where’s The Peen?

February 6, 2013 / Posted by:

I don’t know what kind of mind-altering substances they’re snorting, smoking, injecting or buttchugging at ESPN the Magazine, but they were definitely on something when they came up with this random mess of an idea. The first sign in knowing if an ESPN the Magazine editor is on the wrong shit is when they recreate famous album covers with athletes for their “music issue.” We should test them for fuckery-enhancing drugs and I’m going to need Oprah to interview them in the suite of a Comfort Inn.

ESPN the Magazine is putting out a magazine issue, because once again DRUGS, and they got Ryan Lochte for Nirvana’s Nevermind cover, Josh Freeman for Michael Jackson’s Thriller cover, Allyson Felix for Beyonce’s Dangerously In Love cover, Alex Morgan for Katy Perry’s One of the Boys cover and Trent Richardson, LaMarr Woodley, and Marshawn Lynch for Run DMC’s Ultimate Run DMC cover.

To promote the issue, ESPN gave USA Today some lines Ryan Lochte said during his shoot and now I know why my mom always warned me about the dangers of snorting massive amounts of chlorine through your nose.

-“Iconic Nirc-vana”

– “The cover is definitely global, brah.”

– “If you look at the baby, he’s definitely happy in the water. And that’s what I am.”

– “He’s chasing after a dollar bill. So he’s always on the grind.”

– “Trying to perfect the perfect the shot in the water was kinda easy for me. Just because I spend about four hours a day, every day of my life, in the water.”

– “Usually when I go swimming, I have goggles on. So when I didn’t have my goggles on for this shoot my eyes were definitely burning.”

– [Blinks five times in two seconds] “Am I blinking a lot, cause I feel like it.”

– “Hopefully everyone’s reaction when they see it, they’ll be like, daang, look at that guy. I honestly think I nailed the shot.”

I feel like I should be wearing an Affliction tank top and bumping to dubstep while holding a can of Monster when I read those priceless quotes. Whenever brilliant words of wisdom dribble out of Ryan Lochte’s mouth, it feels like I just snorted an entire 32oz Icee. It’s worse than brain freeze.

But that shit aside, it wasn’t not funny that Ryan Lochte’s Nevermind recreation is historically inaccurate and wrong! The baby didn’t wear Speedos, so why is Ryan? Maybe Ryan is bigger than that baby and he didn’t want the baby to feel bad about it. Yeah, that’s probably not it.

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