Call 911! Call The FBI! Call Chris Hansen!

February 6, 2013 / Posted by:

When a tabloid has a story that they know will fill your brain fissures with barf and cause your genitals to shrivel into a wrinkly mound of shivering sadness, they should at least have some human decency and release that story on a Friday so you have the entire weekend to recuperate. But Life & Style hates all of our asses, because they didn’t do that. Today, they put out a cover story about how Justin Bieber cheated on Selena Gomez with RiRi. Did I really need the image of a baby beaver trying to mount a stallion with a Ronald McDonald weave? Did I need that today?!

Some source says that Selena recently found out that during the early days of her relationship with Justin Bieber, he cheated on her by wet humping on RiRi. Selena and Justin became the Portia and Ellen of the kindergarten set in 2010, and in 2011 he allegedly bumped nipples with RiRi. The source said, “It really cut like a knife because it happened in February of 2011, when Selena and Justin had been dating for months and were falling in love. It’s caused Selena to question their entire relationship. Selena thinks maybe they’ve been hooking up all along.”

In February of 2011, the Lesbeaver was 16 and RiRi had just turned 23.

The source also says that during the taping for the Victoria’s Secret show, the Biebs and RiRi constantly went to a nearby hotel together and their security blocked anyone and everyone from going on their floor.

Biebs’ rep denies all of this to Gossip Cop.

I refuse to believe any of this. It’s hilarious, it’s terrifying and it’s physically impossible. Like RiRi would really mess with Justin Bieber and like Justin Bieber could really handle RiRi. RiRi is just too much for the Biebs and she’s probably rode dicks bigger than him. How can he go from humping a stuffed animal on his bottom bunk to taking on RiRi? RiRi’s pussy would swallow him whole, chew on him a bit and spit him out. Justin would be wandering the streets while mumbling to himself, “The things I’ve seen, man, the things I’ve seen.

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