Lindsay Lohan Didn't Go To Jail Today

If you're throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan's bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you're obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.

LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better." The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she's a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I'm glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.

I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York, got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie's culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn't licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo's upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, "No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu." I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.

You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.

And Judge Stephanie set LiLo's next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won't face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let's all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.

A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.

Splash

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by LisaRose on Thu, 01/31/2013 - 2:08pm.

A part of me thought she looked better with the bloated face but then I realized WHY she has a bloated face. TOO sad. And now there's a new Lohan baby. REALLY feel for that baby. :(

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www.dungeonhordes.com

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Submitted by nosybeaach on Thu, 01/31/2013 - 1:48pm.

I think Lilo might have found a bigger famewhore than herself, that attorney gave a little speech after the hearing saying something like "Lindsay is a beautiful and talented actress and she will be ready for trial" or some shit like that. But I do remember him saying that she is a "beautiful and talented actress", that's worth some money people! And not only that if you look at the pictures of Lindsay he's trying to get next to her for that money shot! What a pair, I can't wait to see what happens next.

Submitted by megank on Thu, 01/31/2013 - 1:12pm.

I honestly didn't think she could look any worse from when she had white hair last year.

Submitted by Husbands_and_Wives on Thu, 01/31/2013 - 10:46am.

What more can be said about this dried up old prune? She looks 10+ older than she is and she's always eye balls deep in trouble. She has the same pumpkin face that tranny who was recently busted for using back alley injections on people in some nasty motel room.

...My darling can't you see
My heart sounds just for you my dear...

Submitted by chippychazoo on Thu, 01/31/2013 - 8:19am.

It seems the Daily Fail have just worked out her tattoo/scribble is a quote from Hamlet, apparently she also has "'I leave before being left. I decide' on her hand " which is a quote from bridget Bardot.

Both quotes sound like she is considering suicide to me, cries for help, so to speak. Would her own mother not notice this if this were the case? Sorry, I forgot we are talking Lohans here.

Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Thu, 01/31/2013 - 7:35am.

Submitted by chippychazoo on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:17pm.
"Submitted by Condi the ingro... on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 3:14pm.
Submitted by chippychazoo on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 2:34pm.

she has a new tattoo, a red triangle with 'what dreams may come written after it. Its from hamlet

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looks more like a hazard sign to me... So she got that right.

She's got sayings tatted all over her hands and arms for quick easy reading because you know she never cracked open a book, and definitely never read or understands Shakespeare.

Submitted by not shocked on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 11:53pm.

It is apparent that Lindsay is in the beginning stages of multiple organ failure. Her abdomen is full of fluid her body cannot keep a fluid balance. Her parents will not ever intervene or help her because I am certain that Dina and Michael have their money set on the lucrative benefits of her death. Tragic.

Submitted by margaux on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 11:47pm.

She looks AWFUL. The parts of her without makeup caked onto it - basically just her arms from what we can see - are the colour of ash. And don't criticise her lawyer, "He's very good".

Submitted by Freak Speely on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 11:25pm.

So rough looking for a woman not yet thirty. This year ain't gonna be any better for her than last year.

-.-
The internet, where the men are real men,
the women are real men, and the children are the FBI.

Submitted by Dog on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:56pm.

Sans Fards, that main pic! She looks like such shit, I can't even begin to describe it. Either she had a raging hangover or she was still drunk. Dear God!

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:54pm.

Submitted by Dog on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:48pm.
JFC, was she still drunk from last night in court this morning???

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Probably. She was a little stumbly when she got up from her chair....

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A Lannister always pays his debts.

Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:51pm.

Bloated fucking pig.

Submitted by Super Stew on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:50pm.

Her attorney does have the 'Cousin Vinnie' lawyer look.

Love the brand new LV man bag. And the downplayed rabbit's foot- guess it would have been too obvious if he walked around with crossed fingers instead.

Submitted by Dog on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:48pm.

JFC, was she still drunk from last night in court this morning???

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by Mani6 on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:08pm.

It is not clear if the assistant initially backed up lying sack of tits story or not.

But I was reading this and it seems that Hohans defense is going to be that she was "confused" when she talked to police!

http://radaronline.com/exclusives/2012/11/lindsay-lohan-never-lie-police...

LAME at best!

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If anyone is going to pee on him it's going to be me.- Nicole Kidman

Submitted by Puppy Love on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:07pm.

Submitted by CheeryBitch on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:25pm.
Has anyone pointed out how orange her upper half is and how very Casper-ish her lower half is? HAhahahahahahahaha!
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OMG CheeryBitch, you are right! LMAO!

Is she wearing white nylons? Seriously?

She is just so sad at this point. A bloated, double-chinned, has-been joke. Someone posted earlier that she needs to go away for a year, totally clean up, and return with a good attitude in some small little movie. ITA. This ain't gonna end well otherwise.

Submitted by FreakGeek on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 9:02pm.

The tattoo is probably based on that shitty Robin Williams movie "What Dreams May Come". I doubt Lilo even knows who Shakespeare is or what Hamlet is. She's probably one of those who read "On the Road" or "Catcher in the Rye" on the recommendation of someone she was banging & now considers herself to be deep & literary.

Submitted by Doll-Parts on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:49pm.

LieLow told police her assistant was driving. Driver of truck she hit said SHE was driving. Several witnesses said she was driving. Assistant told the truth as well(?) because LieLow is too dumb to even get their stories all straight.

*"Honey, your reputation is SHIT in this town."*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyDZaR6v9tU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Submitted by boredasfuckyo on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:50pm.

Lindsay Lohan looks like shit. Does she not have a mirror, or is she too cracked out of her fucking mind to realize that that fat swollen round orange face of hers makes her look like a ginger jack O'lantern.
If she wants to pickle herself so hard she could be packaged by Vlasic the least she could have done was get them to blast some botox in that long ass forehead crease.

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"Vanity’s a business built to fleece the unique. Silicone and stars collide. The rest will fall in line. Just as beautiful as you are, it’s so pitiful what you are.You should have seen this coming all along."

Submitted by Mani6 on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:44pm.

I'm still cornfused...if she lied to the police about driving then who was driving? Did her passenger tell the police that he/she was driving and not fish lips? Then why isn't that person being arrested for lying to the police?

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If anyone is going to pee on him it's going to be me.- Nicole Kidman

Submitted by CheeryBitch on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:25pm.

Has anyone pointed out how orange her upper half is and how very Casper-ish her lower half is? HAhahahahahahahaha!

Submitted by CheeryBitch on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:23pm.

Her face looks like it hurts! Can you imagine waking up with all that puffiness? That's a morning after an uber-boozy night and your ass is severely dehydrated. Drink some water, girl!

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:23pm.

Submitted by Tigerlilly on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 7:47pm.
Submitted by Parablesower on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 6:39pm.
Her face confuses me. It is round like a child, but has a serious case of the olds. Filler alone cannot account for this conundrum.
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Bad cheek implants to cover up her meth face coupled with bad fillers to cover up the hollowness of the bad cheek implants plus bad dentures/'veneers' to cover up her meth teeth, plus bad fillers to make her crack smoking lips look 'plump'. Add a liter or so of vodka a day, a few daily grams of meth and/or coke chain smoking...and VOILA...If you follow the Blohan Plan, you too can look 60 before you're even 30...

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I'm fairly certain she doesn't eat anything other than Ensure through a straw, since the drinking and drugging has probably shot her digestive system straight to hell.

Honestly, it's a miracle she's still alive. okay...."miracle" is not quite the word I was looking for. But you know what I mean.

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A Lannister always pays his debts.

Submitted by Parablesower on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:10pm.

@ Tigerlilly- thanks for the explanation! So she looks like that purpose and spends much money on it. SMH..

We're going to give you a fair trial- followed by a first class hanging."- Silverado

Submitted by elmo533 on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:10pm.

Lindsay's not even 30 right? Cocaine is a helluva drug.

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"Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll".--MK

Submitted by Latex Jungle on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 7:51pm.

Karma Karma, where the hell are you? Even Wonky got jail time eventually! Damn!

Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just LOVIN' this!--Mama.

Submitted by Tigerlilly on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 7:47pm.

Submitted by Parablesower on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 6:39pm.
Her face confuses me. It is round like a child, but has a serious case of the olds. Filler alone cannot account for this conundrum.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...

Submitted by Tigerlilly on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 7:41pm.

Her face!!!! It makes Nicole Kidman's look postively untouched by a scapel! I guess bad plastic surgery and pounding shots of vodka in between snortin' rails of coke/meth off some jank assed nightclub toilet seat don't mix. Who knew?

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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...

Submitted by MR_F on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 7:25pm.

If there were a visual dictionary of stereotypes and you looked up "shyster lawyer", there would be a picture of this guy.

Submitted by Mani6 on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 7:16pm.

Delay...delay...PUT CHUCKY FACE IN JAIL!

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If anyone is going to pee on him it's going to be me.- Nicole Kidman

Submitted by misslainey on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 6:59pm.

Can't decide if she looks more like Howdy Doody or Alfred E. Neuman now.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 6:42pm.

That is a god awful nose job.

"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012

Submitted by Parablesower on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 6:39pm.

Her face confuses me. It is round like a child, but has a serious case of the olds. Filler alone cannot account for this conundrum.

We're going to give you a fair trial- followed by a first class hanging."- Silverado

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 6:31pm.

GG -- her eyebrowns are the least of her worries.

ba-buttons -- I like that, "I'm litigatin' over here!"

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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"

"Two eyes, two eyebrows."

Submitted by Clam on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 6:04pm.

What in creamsicle swirl hell is going on with her coloring? Bitch is out of her Got damn mind leaving the motel like that!

Submitted by RandéSleepover on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:47pm.

Submitted by TrashyWilma on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:42pm.
There are lawyers who make the profession look
good?

LOL! Uhh, Abe Lincoln! Atticus Finch! *running out of examples* The Lohan prosecutor, whoever he or she is!

Submitted by TrashyWilma on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:42pm.

Submitted by Sarah Smile on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:03pm.
I hate lawyers who make the profession look this bad.

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There are lawyers who make the profession look good?

Submitted by chippychazoo on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:27pm.

the hamlet 'to be or not, to be' monologue is about considering to commit suicide or not! Disturbing if she knew what it meant!

Submitted by chippychazoo on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:17pm.

"Submitted by Condi the ingro... on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 3:14pm.
Submitted by chippychazoo on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 2:34pm.

she has a new tattoo, a red triangle with 'what dreams may come written after it. Its from hamlet "For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil."

Oh my God, what a moron. She probably thinks this quote is actually about "her dreams"

I think it's creepy and possibly prophetic. It's a red triangle like a hazard / warning sign, why would anyone put that with a hamlet quote? And one about death at that! She looks on deaths door, I'm guessing the bloat is prescription drugs and she will end up with an accidental OD like so many have before. Upright triangle could also represent the element of fire....odd.

Submitted by MissAnnThrope on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:17pm.

Dear BlazingWhiteTrash--- you better start surfing expedia now for your plane ticket to Korea. Lindsay ain't going anywhere near a jail cell.

Submitted by RandéSleepover on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:16pm.

Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 3:05pm.
From a 2010 NYT article profiling the esteemed Attorney Heller:

What's funny about his firm, Heller & Heller, is that everyone listed in the letterhead (in that letter posted on TMZ that Heller wrote to the judge re the flu) is a dead parent, a child, or other relative. His two assistants when he rolled up for the NY appearance over Lohan's slapping the psychic must have been his kids.

Submitted by Sarah Smile on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 5:03pm.

I hate lawyers who make the profession look this bad.

Sarah Smile

Submitted by Lutrelle on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:59pm.

Half orange half white chipmunk lookn azz. Lbvvs

Submitted by LareezyDaBreezy on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:57pm.

"You look like a pumpkin, Bitch!!!"

*Crackie is growing up*

Submitted by WithinReason... on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:54pm.

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:18pm.
--
LOL, Chucky: The Revenge of Chunk!

And why is Liho standing on couture stilts? This isn't a fashion show, bitch! Yo bloated butt is IN COURT!

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by parissucksliterally on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:55pm.

I thought she was wearing white stockings at first! What a moron, only self tanning the top half of her body!!

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Don't you never, ever, pull my lever
Cause I explode
And my nine is easy to load

Submitted by caffeinecrazed on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:21pm.

I'm sick of this slunt getting away with shit.The CA justice system needs to throw her to the public so that she can be dealt with,PROPERLY.

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:18pm.

Dunno if anyone else has mentioned this, but she is starting to look like Chucky. Especially in the main pic.

And I guess she didn't notice that her body is two-tone before she left the house. Bitch is insane.

Submitted by GrammyDi on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 4:02pm.

That dress is the most ill-fitting rag I've ever seen. What the hell is going on in the bust? Next time she pulls something out of the hamper to wear to court, she should iron it or something. Bitch needs some kind of pantyhose or something, too. One leg is pale and blotchy, the other is orange and blotchy. Tan In A Can is not her friend.
The last time I saw a fucking rabbit's foot, it was hanging from a Lisa Frank backpack, and I still thought I had a chance to land a date with Barry Manilow in a Tiger Beat contest.