Taylor Swift Has Made Out With A Snail Before

January 24, 2013 / Posted by:

Radar said a couple of weeks ago that Harry Styles booked Taylor Swift a seat on the S.S. Bye Bitch, because he’s full of 18-year-old hormones and can’t stop humping stuff (Note: Yeah, that fluffy thing that ran by and humped your leg for five seconds. That was Harry Styles) and she’s a prude who wouldn’t give up the panty as much as he wanted. But maybe Taylor Swift hardly ever slid naked onto home plate with Harry Styles, because his first base skills made her spit up snail slime.

Jenna B (the girl with bacne who sits in front of you in 10th grade English) told Ashley (the girl with the worst split ends EVER who sits next to Jenna B) who told Megan (the girl who gave Ashley’s boyfriend a handjob at a party, I don’t even know why they talk!) who told Star Magazine (via HL) that Taylor Swift got the icks every time she put her lips on Harry’s lips. Taylor is telling her friends that he “kissed like a snail. Eventually Taylor found it hard not to be grossed out.

What does a snail kiss like exactly….

One time when I still lived at my mom’s house, I came home drunk during the Hour of the Snails (aka like 4am) and I forgot my key. So I laid down on the concrete in the front yard and watched a snail slither on by. I thought about it, but I never made out with that snail, so I have no idea what it’s like to suck on a snail’s face. Worms, however, are all tongue. I shouldn’t have told you that. Hide the plant butter before you get any ideas.

And I’m sure Harry Styles would say that kissing Taylor Swift is a lot like sucking a burp out of a parakeet’s ass.

In other Swifty gossip you just need to know, a source tells Radar (the same ones who said Harry dumped her for keeping her legs shut) that she doesn’t know if she can ever trust Harry again, because she believes he cheated on her:

“She thought he was cheating on her when they were apart over the holidays so she ended it, telling him she couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. Harry protested that he never did anything wrong, and that’s why Taylor is trying right now to give him the benefit of the doubt and trying to work things out with him. But his reputation precedes him and it’s hard to believe Taylor will ever be able to fully trust Harry because the ladies just throw themselves at him and he does nothing to temper that.”

Taylor shouldn’t be so hard on Harry even if he did cheat. Every time he’d try to kiss her, she’d throw salt at him and every time he’d stick his hand down her panties, he’d find nothing but a large pile of Sluggo in there. What else what he was supposed to do?

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