On Saturday Night Live last night, Jennifer Lawrence took her “I Beat Meryl” joke to the next level by trashing every one of her Best Actress rivals from Hush Puppy to Naomi Watts. (Click here if you’re outside of the US since NBC is prejudiced against non-Americans.) Jennifer, who delivers every line that comes out of her mouth like she’s challenging a group of dudes to a drink-off at a sports bar, read them all like this:
Jessica Chastain: “More like Jessica ChasaintwinningnoOscaronmywatch! In Zero Dark Thirty you caught Bin Laden. So what? In Winter’s Bone I caught a squirrel and then ate it. Boom, deal with that. Also, every time I see you act I learn something new.”
Naomi Watts: “You were in The Impossible. You know what else is impossible? You beating me on Oscar night. Naomi Wattsherproblem? She’s going to lose. Oh, and Naomi, you are amazing in everything you do.”
Quvenzhané Wallis: “You think you can beat me? What you talkin’ ’bout, Wallis?’ Also, the Alphabet called. It wants its letters back. Quvenzhané, I saw Beasts of the Southern Wild and you are a revelation.”
Emmanuelle Riva: “An 85-year-old French lady? Um yeah, I think I can take you. You know what I say to your Oscar chances, Emmanuelle Riva? Emmanuelle Arrivederci.”
I flunked my first semester of High School French, but isn’t Arrivederci, Italian? I think Bugs Bunny or some other bitch like that said it in his trip to Rome.
And somewhere in the world, Emmanuelle Riva is slathering Crisco on her face, Hush Puppy is pulling her hair back in a tight bun, Naomi Watts is sticking razors in her hair and Jessica Chastain is taking off her hoop earrings. They’re going to jump that bitch.