As Gayle King gave Oprah a victory massage in her spot of choice (it’s way too late in the week for me to describe in detail what Oprah’s spot of choice is, so you decide), millions of people watched Lance Armstrong admit to being a doper and an award-winning champion liar. But as Lance barfed out the truth, I kept focusing on the shit job the set decorator did. Yes, I care about the important things. Oprah really screwed up this time, because there goes that Emmy nomination for Best Set Decoration in a Shit Show.
While watching, I kept waiting for two old ladies wearing windbreakers to walk on by, pick up a vase, look under it for the price and then scream at Oprah, “$5?! You crazy! I’ll take it off your hands for two quarters and nothing more.” Shit looked like an estate sale. What was with that shallow bowl thing? When are people going to learn that you can’t just put an empty bowl on a table and call it design. Oprah could’ve thrown some tangerines in there or if she really wanted to be a bitch, she should’ve filled it with Truck Nutz. Maybe The Mighty O had that bowl on hand, because she was going to use it to collect Lance’s nut if he refused to come clean. And that mysterious box on the table? Gayle King should’ve come out in a rhinestone gown ala Price is Right and opened it to reveal Lance’s favorite shootin’ up needle. But she didn’t. That box and that bowl were about as useless as those bendy straws. I swear, Oprah should’ve hired Sandra Lee to do the background tablescape. Anyway, enough about that. Now let’s move on to less important matters.
Lance finally admitted that starting in the 90s, he took performance-enhancing drugs including blood doping, EPO, testosterone and HGH. Lance admitted that he took them before all of seven of his Tour de France victories, but that he stopped doping in 2005. Lance also admitted to being a first-rate shit bag to anybody who outed him as a doping cheat. Lance was never afraid he’d get caught and he never thought he was going to get caught. Lance doped up, because a lot of the other cyclists were doping up and he wanted to level the playing field. Lance called himself an “arrogant prick” and said that he just got caught up in the lie and so he kept on lie-telling:
“I view this situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times. I know the truth. The truth isn’t what was out there. The truth isn’t what I said. I’m a flawed character, as I well know. All the fault and all the blame here falls on me.”
The weirdest part of the interview was when Lance told Oprah that he had called Betsy Andreu, an accuser who refused to lie for him, and said this to her:
“I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat.”
Betsy responded by saying, “Phew! I’m so glad you don’t think I’m fat, Lance. I’d rather be a crazy skinny bitch than a sane fat nicey person.” It’s nice to know that the potent drug known as CRAZY is still flowing through Lance’s veins.
And I’d like to take this time to confess to all of you that for years I’ve been using performance-enhancing drugs for bloggers like boxed wine, pocket pies and weed. Wait, or maybe those are performance-degrading drugs. I could’ve read the labels wrong.