When Elin Nordegren looks at the balance on her ATM receipt, more than half-a-dozen zeroes look back at her and sometimes it gets boring looking at all those zeroes. Sometimes you want to see even more zeroes. You want the zeroes to fall off the page and shit. The only thing better than having a checking account full of millions of dollars is having a checking account full of even MORE millions of dollars. And that’s what my idol and life icon is going to make happen.
After Elin’s marriage to Tiger Woods drowned in a pool side snatch syrup, she got $110 million in the divorce settlement in 2010. Since then Elin has been using her millions to build her Florida dream mansion, and she dated an American billionaire for a while. I guess that didn’t work out, because The National Enquirer (via The Sun) says that Elin is back to riding Tiger and he’s trying to get her to marry his ass once again. A source says that Tiger proposed to Elin during the holidays and gave her a wedding ring. Tiger is so hard up for Elin to wear the ring that he promised to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup that states he’ll give her $350 million, more than half of his fortune, if he cheats. The source said:
“Tiger didn’t even balk at the demand. Even though his accountants think he’s crazy, he’s ready to sign the pre-nup and set a wedding date. The guy has never recovered from being dumped by Elin. He’s dated a lot of models and bimbos but none of them were more than a one-night stand.”
This is from The Enquirer via The Sun, so this shit is probably about as truthful as an OKCupid profile, but I still need it to be true, because I need to believe that Elin Nordegren is the Swedish goddess of gold diggers. If it is true, then Tiger Woods must think that Elin’s vagine is the gold luck charm he needs to start winning again. It will be the easiest $350 million Elin has ever made. Six seconds after that marriage certificate is signed, Elin just has to put a random coochie in front of his face and as he breaks that anti-cheating clause, she’ll get on the phone with her contractor to tell him that he can go ahead and encrust the bottom of her pool with diamonds and paint her entire house in liquid platinum.