Ever since that terrifying moment in court was captured in a picture, Shawn Holley can’t move her eyeballs to the left without reaching for a rosary and a vial of holy water first. Shawn Holley didn’t have to reach for the holy water in court this morning, because Lindsay Lohan was too busy stalking Max George’s parents in England to show up.
As some of you read yesterday, Lindsay Lohan achieved high levels of dumbassery when she hired shady NYC lawyer Mark Heller and fired Shawn Holley without knowing that she fired Shawn Holley. LiLo is begging Shawn to take her back and Shawn is thinking about it. Shawn is still on record as being LiLo’s lawyer, so she showed up in court today to answer to the criminal charge LiLo was slapped with for telling lies to the cops after crashing her Porsche into a semi. Shawn pleaded “not guilty” on LiLo’s behalf and if she wasn’t in court today, the judge would’ve issued a bench warrant for LiLo’s arrest for not showing up this morning.
When the judge asked Shawn if she’s still LiLo’s attorney, she said, “At this point, yes.” A hearing has been set for January 30th and LiLo must show her shellacked veal face in court.
TMZ says that yesterday the Santa Monica City Attorney and the judge in the case agreed to not send LiLo to the clink if she checked into lockdown rehab for at least six months. LiLo could also spend time in a jail cell for violating probation, but the judge was also willing to end that case too if she went to rehab. That deal never happened, because LiLo fired Shawn minutes before she was about to make it happen.
Why does the court even bother with this shit anymore? Lindsay Lohan is not going to see the inside of a jail cell and nothing’s going to happen to her. The judge always says, “THIS BITCH IS GOING TO PRISON FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!” and then nothing happens. It kind of reminds me of how my mom used to threaten to spank me when I acted the fool as a kid. She’d say, “I’m going to spank you!” and raise her hand, but nothing happened. Her hand would just stay raised. She later told me that her hand would get really heavy and she just couldn’t bring herself to spank me even though my brat ass deserved it. Sometimes I’d get tired of waiting for her hand to come down, so I’d just slap myself.
So unless LiLo breaks into jail, goes into an empty cell, locks the door and then swallows the key with her snatch, she’s not going to spend anytime in jail. But since the court insists on going through all these hearings, they should at least make it interesting by getting kittens to re-enact the proceedings. Or fucking something.