Megan Fox is definitely smoking the wrong stuff and she definitely smoked the wrong stuff with the dude who interviewed her for Esquire, because the entire article is crazy wrapped in a paperback copy of Dianetics wrapped in the DVD jacket for Jesus Camp.
The reincarnation of Plato (again, not Dana, the other one) opened her mouth and spat up about how she can’t stop herself from talking in tongues and how she wishes she could spend all her time looking for ancient alien artifacts. Stephen Marche of Esquire starts the interview by comparing Megan Fox to an Aztec sacrifice and then describes her face as a “visual labyrinth” and “a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly.” Can Megan and Stephen please tell the public what kind of herbs they were smoking, because I don’t ever want those herbs in my bong. That sounds like the worst trip ever.
Before you start reading these insane pieces from Megan’s interview, get yourself a spirit guide to take you through it safely. You’re going to need one.
On how being famous is worse than being bullied in high school: “I don’t think people understand. They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don’t realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you’re being bullied by millions of people constantly.”
On how she, the internet, fame and war might be the Four Whoresmen: “I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times. It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist? When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it’s the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?”
On erasing her Marilyn Monroe tattoo: “I feel like I willed it be gone. They told me it was going to take six sessions and it’s nearly gone in one. She wasn’t powerful at the time. She was sort of like Lindsay. She was an actress who wasn’t reliable, who almost wasn’t insurable…. She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered. I’m not interested in following in those footsteps.”
On how she’s a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues sometimes: “I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I’d have to shut it off because I don’t know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back.
It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven. It’s called ‘getting the Holy Ghost.’ “
On how she’d rather be exploring the ruins of Israel than skipping around in her panties in movies: “I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were. I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.”
On how she thinks the movie Leprechaun starring Jennifer Aniston is a documentary: “I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people’s imaginations…. We should all believe in leprechauns. I’m a believer…. You and I are humans, this is not all of it. This cannot be, because we are so disappointing…. Films don’t hold the answers I’m looking for…. Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie? … I believe in aliens…. I am childlike in my spirit, and I want to believe in fairy tales… Loch Ness monster — there’s something to it…. There’s the Bell Witch… What distracts me from my reality is bigfoot. They are my celebrities.”
Megan Fox is a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and she believes in leprechauns, Bigfoot and ancient aliens who built civilizations? This might be the first time in history that Tommy Girl fingered his butt to something that a Pentecostal Christian woman has said. And the Alabama Leprechaun and Tim Peeler are fingering their butts right next to Tommy Girl.
And now thanks to Megan’s mouth, Lindsay is going to tattoo “‘Marilyn Monroe was like the Lindsay Lohan of her time.’ – Megan Fox” on her forehead. Out of all the crazy things that came out of Megan’s mouth, that was the craziest.
UPDATE – Megan Fox went on Facebook to clarify the shade she threw at Lindsay Lohan. Megan wrote:
In the newly released article that I did for Esquire, there is a reference that is made to Lindsay Lohan that I would like to clarify before it snowballs into something silly. The journalist and I were discussing why I was removing my Marilyn Monroe tattoo, especially since in his opinion, Marilyn was such a powerful and iconic figure for women. I attempted to draw parallels between Lindsay and Marilyn in order to illustrate my point that while Marilyn may be an icon now, sadly she was not respected and taken seriously while she was still living.
Both women were gifted actresses, whose natural talent was lost amongst the chaos and incessant media scrutiny surrounding their lifestyles and their difficulties adhering to studio schedules etc. I intended for this to be a factual comparison of two women with similar experiences in Hollywood. Unfortunately it turned into me offering up what is really much more of an uneducated opinion. It was most definitely not my intention to criticize or degrade Lindsay. I would never want her to feel bullied, as she does not deserve that. I was not always speaking eloquently during this interview and this miscommunication is my fault.
“WERE gifted actresses….” I see what you did there, Megan.