When Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah’s holy light eyes, he saw the image of her half-brother Jesus telling him to finally cleanse his soul by telling the truth about doping up. Or maybe Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah’s holy light eyes and saw the reflection of her producer waving the millions of dollars he got paid for telling the truth to The Mighty O! People mix Jesus up with a stack of cash all the time. Whatever the case may be, after years of denying that he was shooting up performance enhancing drugs even though everybody could practically see the needle sticking out of his ass, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah that he lied about being a dopehead.
Oprah was on CBS This Morning (aka her main boo’s morning show) to say that in her two-part interview with Lance, which starts airing on OWN this Thursday, he comes clean about being dirty. The interview went down at the Four Seasons in Austin, TX, and Oprah said that it took almost 2 and a half hours to ask Lance 112 prepared questions. Oprah wouldn’t tell Gayle King on air (but I’m sure she whispered it in Gayle King’s ear during their nightly spooning sessions) what Lance said to her, but she said that he “did not come clean in the manner that I expected” and that she was satisfied with his answers. Well, since Oprah is “satisfied” with his answers that means Lance has been upgraded to Heaven’s “waiting list” and won’t go directly to Hell.
Oprah said that Lance did get emotional, but never completely broke down and sobbed into her chichis while asking her to pet his hair. Oprah said that she went at Lance so hard that at one point he asked her if she was ever going to lighten up with the questions. Right before Lance’s interview with Oprah, he held a meeting at Livestrong and brought the raw emotion while apologizing to his staff for letting them down. Lance kept his apology vague and never admitted to them that he doped up. Bitch was saving that for Oprah.
Lance already gave up all his Tour de France medals and People says that he’s in talks with his former team, the U.S. Postal Service, to give back some of the millions in taxpayer money he got over the years. And now that he’s finally admitted the truth, former sponsors could sue his last nutsack off. Some think that Lance is telling the truth after years of lie-telling, because he’s been backed into a corner and wants the public to feel sorry for his ass.
What I’ve learned from all of this, is that if I fill my veins up with performance-enhancing drugs, there’s a chance that I will win a bunch of fancy cycling titles, make hundreds of millions of dollars and I’ll only have to give back SOME of the money when they catch me lying. And I’ll get to meet Gayle King! Shoot my ass up and pull my old Huffy out of my mom’s garage. Let’s do this!