Charlie Sheen Is Going To Be Somebody’s Pepaw

January 15, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen below looking like a cracked out troll making sweet love to the air, Charlie Sheen was on Letterman last night to promote the next 90 episodes of Anger Management (not joking) and while he was there he let the world know that he’s going to be grandpapa soon. Apparently, Charlie has a 28-year-old daughter named Cassandra Estevez and she’s knocked up with his first grandchild. I don’t know whether to feel pity or jealousy toward the newborn baby who will get second hand high from inhaling Charlie’s crack smoke breath.

Charlie told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) that he knows the world is going to be an even weirder place when he becomes a grandaddy:

“Me as a grandfather, Dave…I don’t know. It’s like the world’s going to crack in half. It’s fabulous. It’s just not a title I’m ready to adopt.”

All jokes aside, Charlie Sheen is going to be the greatest pepaw ever. On your 16th birthday, your grandpa probably gave you a recycled birthday card with two one dollar bills in it. On Charlie’s grandkid’s 16th birthday, he’s going to give them a cashiers check for $100,000 and a gift card to the Bunny Ranch if he’s a boy and a gift card for silicone titty sacks if she’s a girl. When you spent the day with your grandparents, you probably spent it watching old Matlock episodes on Beta tape while eating a cold Hungry Man meal (or if you were me, you spent it watching telenovelas while trying to eat a leftover enchilada that fused with its Styrofoam container, because my abuelita left it in the microwave too long). When Charlie’s grandkid spends the day with him, they will spend it playing chicken with porn stars in a pool full of vodka.

And I bet Charlie won’t even be mad with his grandkid when they want to play with his dentures. Best grandpa ever!

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