Halle Berry instantly became my Best Dressed of the Golden Globes last night when she walked onto the red carpet looking a train full of crazy and a train full of tacky crashed into her at the same time. Halle finally wore a gown that perfectly describes her current mental state. That mess of a dress was designed by Donatella Versace, but it looks more like one of Ed Hardy’s used cum rags. I swear I’ve seen that same pattern on a muscle t-shirt worn by a douchebag who was bouncing his head to a techno song in his electric yellow BMW while stopped at a red light.
Everything about Halle’s dress is demure from the slit to the cut out to the way the bottom of her dress looks like a dirty clear shower curtain. That’s what my clear shower curtain looked like after I washed the red Manic Panic out of my hair. And if Halle wanted to wear a dress that made her left tit look like it was clinging to her right tit out of fear, she picked the right one! Who wouldn’t want to wear a dress that makes their titties look like they’re doing the slow wall slide to the right? Wall slide titties are so in right now.
And back to the slit. We’re still witnessing the effects of St. Angie’s fame whoring leg of 2012. See: Halle Berry, Rosie Huntington-Whateverly, Heidi Klum and Eva Longoria.